FAKE is the new PRETTY

I have stopped cutting my wrists... Yay right? Wrong. Well kind of... Because it is becoming to difficult to hide my scars the higher up my forearm they go, I have stopped cutting there. But I have started cutting on my upper thigh. I can use my right hand again -yay using my left was difficult and sloppy- and it is easy to hide even when I wear shorts. Plus I am not in risk of hitting a vein :D haha. Anyways, idk if it is my hormones or my disorders getting worse with stress but I am now crying again and cutting longer and deeper than a week ago. Outside people would see me as a successful young lady who dresses like I am 16 and has everything going good for my future- which is wrong... sort of. I should not be crying of sadness right now. I got a CalGrant and am a finalist for my portfolio scholarship through my college; that is so much to be happy for right now but I am unable to feel joy. My stress is through the roof thinking that what if what I am going to college for I lose interest and wasted money or what if I fail. Also I am required to wear a uniform so there is no jewelry- everyone will see my scars and immediately judge me. What if I end up not making any friends or they treat me like I am fragile? I just want to be normal and treated normal- like a threat because I am so talented. Ugh! All I can think about right now is everything negative someone has ever said about me. FAKE. EMO. WANNABE. FREAK. WORTHLESS. SELFISH. LOSER. PATHETIC. FAT. UGLY. WEAK. I am not able to fixate on the words that I have once been called.. pretty. beautiful. PERFECT. talented. smart. awesome hair xP. But all these (except the last) I am not able to grasp or even begin to comprehend. All my life I compared myself to my cousin. She was skinnier, prettier, smarter, more POPULAR. Her first "boyfriend" was in second grade. My first boyfriend was sophomore year... And I had to ask the person out... My cousin NEVER once had to do the asking. By that time I was super shocked when he said yes because all my life I had to ask a guy to a dance or movie and I ALWAYS got rejected. Then after him, I only dated people that I met online. What a failure!! I will always never love someone like a regular person. I don't even know what it feels like to truly love someone... I've had crushes and that is all they ever were. I honestly don't know what to expect if someone were to ever -EVER- ask me out. Like I don't know if I could ever truly love someone like normal people can. I feel like I will always be hesitant and untrusting. But I guess all I can do is wait and see if I will ever love. So today I finally built up the courage to chop all my nails off.. No more nail digging for me :D It is so difficult to do anything. I only got nubs x) ahaha. Yet -there is always a 'yet' because I trade off things/habits- I do hit myself enough times to bruise myself. It is better than nail digging though. Nail digging left scars; my hands are now faintly polka dotted. Bruising is not permanent and goes away within a 1-2 weeks. But my cutting is getting worse.. longer deeper that is all I can fixate on now... I LOATHE MYSELF!!! I have hated myself for sooo long that I don't even know what it is like to feel confident in anything I wear or even say. Be thankful that I am chicken.. I have contemplated suicide many times. I think that I will always feel like it is the only way to not feel like I am always falling in a dark abyss every time I wake up. SUICIDE. The main thing that stops me from doing it every time is knowing that everyone that somehow loves me will suffer and I know that my mother's anxiety will go out of control and my sister will have to deal with her psycho ass. Well Good bye. Live on till next time my Lovelies.
Sorry if I keep boring you guys with my drama... best way for me to let it out.