Daily Struggle Without Love

I arrive at home every afternoon and immediately think "Bleed". That is all I am capable of thinking. I can usually fight the urge when someone is home or I am way to busy to even think at all. Today, sadly, was not that kind of day. I bled... Deeper and deeper I went, no vein though- never. I regret it now, I should have waited. I sit here every night wishing I am not alone. Listening to my playlist filled with depressing songs about depression and self injury, it allows me to cry to songs that explain my pain. When did it all go wrong? When did I start taking things too seriously? Bleeding is my only answer to any of  my infinite list of questions... I try to bleed only once a day to limit my scars. Snapping rubber bands are more painful and only leave temporary marks. Websites help me understand that I am not alone but they just make me feel like I am broken. "BLEED! BLEED!CUT ME OPEN!" That's all I hear now. It's louder than my music, my mind, my anxiety, my panic attacks. All I do is tap and tap and tap; maybe the urge will fade the more I tap.. The faster I tap the worse I am feeling. I just sit and relive everything that happened today from the good to the terrible. "Bleed" all I heard all day. I bring my blade with me everywhere so I know I have my safety blanket if I need it. I hate leaving class to do it but sometimes it must be done. I hate the fact that the only place I can get the privacy to do it is in the restroom. Going during class gives me this sense of rush and urgency which doesn't let me receive the full satisfaction I am trying to get. Plus I have to stand while I bleed because I am a germ freak and won't sit on the toilets.  But it's the price I pay to release my pain at school. Being the weak person I am, I give into most urges for it allows me to focus on something other than my emotional problems. I gave in tonight, breaking my limit for I cut twice today. Nothing bad happened today but for some reason they were quite strong today and I wasn't feeling the need to fight them so I gave in. It only stings after I hit a sensitive spot or once I wipe away the blood running across my arm. I wish I did not have my tattoo on my right arm for it would be so much easier to hide and honestly quite a bit easier to cut. It was a small cut tonight. It was the length of the diameter of a nickel and about the depth of all the others lately.. I prefer to be organized about the placement of my scars/wounds; they are straight-ish lines running horizontally and fit about two on each line plus I try to keep each line close together to allow easy concealing. Honestly, I lost count of how many times I have cut. Last time I remember was thirty in about one and a half weeks but I use to cut three to four times a day then. I have reopened other scars because of award ceremonies so I didn't have any fresh wounds up top to have to hide well. I just tries to count how many. I lost track at forty five so I am going to guesstimate about fifty five scars and I don't know how many cuts being I reopened a few a while back. Right now, my favorite song of all time is The Way She Feels by Between the Trees. This song has been with me through all my troubles and fits of self injury.. On and off for almost three FUCKING years. Luckily, my scars fade pretty fast.. Well at least the ones under my tat because I only used safety pins to scrape at my skin until I bled a little. Then I moved to my upper arm and I still used safety pins, but it bled more since it was thicker skin and I had to scrape harder. After being months clean, I began again in April.. This time I used my first blade. I barely broke skin being it was a totally different sensation than scraping. I barely cut being it hurt ALOT the first couple times. Then the further up my wrist I went the deeper it went and the darker the scars got. I don't care honestly as long as people don't se I am quite content. Only problem I see in my future is never finding love because who would love a cutter?