Love/ Hate Relationships

I was so close to making it to a week of being clean. I honestly don't want to stop, but I do have goals on how often I plan on SI (self injury). Today was just really stressful. I don't know why in particular, but it had that type of vibe all day. I was 5 days clean and then today I had to go and ruin it. I was so happy though that I made it through graduation, grad night and my not-so-fun grad party.
Side Rant:  My cousin didn't even celebrate OUR grad party together; she had her two friends over. I hate being lonely or an afterthought. I hate her friends, too. They all just view me as worthless and probably think," That's your cousin? She is a freak; how could you possibly spend time at parties with her?" Oh that's right! She doesn't! I tend to spend time by myself; sitting, thinking and feeling antisocial. I, mentally, have a love and hate relationship with my family. I love them dearly because they are blood. But I hate them because at every gathering, I am left out and left to sit by myself at just LISTEN to people's stories. Normal kids would not care but I am not normal kid, as you can see. I grew up in the corner of quiet an

d follower. I still am both of them but when it comes to being normal. I spit at it because being normal gets you pregnant and a Barbie doll. TBH: I wish I had the figure of a Barbie doll because then I probably would be normal and fit in size small clothing :(
Anyways!! I also have a love/hate relationship with my blades. I LOVE them SOO much, like if I ever think to lose them, I have a major panic attack. That's not normal! They give me a sense of relief and something to look forward to during stressful times. I "hate" them because if it weren't for them, I would not have scars on my wrists. People say to love not hate so I will over look the scars and Produce Fresh. That is so wrong for me to say but I don't care. SI is Now Part of My Life Hopefully Till I Find Love or something.