Am I Doomed to Someplace Called "HELL"?

Today my bible-hugging neighbor decided to stop by to talk to us about his house. While he was here, my mother brought up the fact that I was going to a graduation party on Saturday (of which I am super excited). He then said to make sure I do not drink and drive, which is true but I highly doubt I am going to drink because it is with her family. Then later in the conversation, he brought up how if I die tomorrow where do I think I will spend the rest of eternity. Me being Atheist, I felt super uncomfortable with this question because if I say something wrong he will go all bible shit on me. So I just shrug my shoulders figuring that that will not do much. My mother chimes in saying "Well look at her" implying that because I dress "differently" I am going to "Hell". That kind of pissed me off... Actually REALLY pissed me off. So then he goes and says, "You know the bible states that hell is like your worse day and pain ever times a thousand." I thought about that and I thought to myself "So everyday of my life? So basically I will just live eternity like I am living now? Great..." Then they both start dissing all other religions and how "people that are scientific are just non-believers that do not believe in something if they cannot see it". I honestly don't believe in any of that shit because if "God" truly cared about mankind then why is he okay with people dying from murders? "Oh because he believes in FREE WILL". Oh! So if mankind goes extinct because "free will" killed us then that would be okay? To what point is free will wrong? This is exactly why it is bullshit. If God exists then why is he letting 2 year olds die of cancer when they did nothing wrong?.. UGH!!! I hate bible-huggers! ANYWAYS!!! Yeah so I am not in the mood right now for any kind of bullshit... So my mother is leaving me by myself again ;/ because she is going swimming at her boyfriend's house... again... So yay more computer time!!! <3 I love my laptop!! yet my mother called it hers again today and I was like "Uhh no it's mine remember? You gave it to me for graduation." She apparently "forgot" again.. Gosh. She just does not want me to own anything! I tell her that my father is soon signing over the car to me and she has to try and find away to stop that. Then I tell her I am getting a debit card she tells me that I should not get one. GOSH!!!! Let me fucking grow up already I am almost 19!! I start college in less than a month... I am an adult not no 13 year old that needs careful watching. Anyways, I was home alone all night and is going be alone the rest of the night because my mother is "sleeping" over at her boyfriend's house. How is it my mother can get more boyfriends in a two month period than I ever had? Soo not fair. People wonder why I have such low self esteem, well here is part of the reason. My Mother! She talks shit about how she is "fat" and hates her weight and stuff. Well I am like 50 lbs heavier than her making me feel like complete and utter shit! Why?!?!?! must I be the biggest person in my intermediate family and I am not like super obese or anything. I am just fat. My whole family are twigs like eat anything they want kind of twigs. This is exactly why I have eating issues and self esteem issues. I have compared myself with my cousin since we were like 5. Not Kidding. I grew up wishing I was her size, her popularity, her outgoingness. Now I hate going to family gathering because all I see is junk food- EVERYWHERE- and I cannot eat much of it. Then when I tell them I am not hungry they all make fun of me... I cannot wait until college because then I have an excuse to miss every gathering. In the past 4-5 years I have only been to gatherings like 30 times because I was forced to. This year I have only been to 3 at my aunt's house. There have been a few BBQs at my house but luckily I can hide in my room that entire time. Thank goodness. ANYWAYS!(that was one giant rant sorry). So I am officially addicted to Youtube. I can spend hours on end watching videos and never get bored. EVER. Yeaaah. So I was watching videos on about self harm and shit like that. So I never want to be admitted to a hospital or psych ward or anything similar. I WOULD DIE! Yeah so I realized people have it better than I do and they still self injure, I was quite shocked because I thought I was "overreacting" and shit. I am not going stop but least it gives me some- I don't know the word. Anyways, Yeah so I actually went 24 hrs without cutting yesterday, mainly because I was at Belle's house, but still. I did relapse like 15 minutes ago but oh well. I saw on a couple videos that some people almost reach arteries on their thighs. I was shocked like super shocked! I felt terrible for them.. I cut on my wrist and I cut shallower near my veins because I do not want to have to go to a hospital EVER. I hate doctors!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh and DENTISTS even more!!!! Yeah... So I sent Belle (if you haven't figured it out yet she is one of my closest friends along with Ashley, Selina, and occasionally Josh) a picture of my scars because she did ask me to see them and I said I would think about it. I figured taking a picture and emailing it to her would be the easiest way for me to do it because then my anxiety and panic attacks won't flair up as badly. So I sent it to her now I am just fucking FREAKED out that she will FREAK out... I honestly not think they are bad but then again what the hell do I know. So yeah I had another "guilt trip" while talking to her about the fact that the picture would not open and kept saying ERROR... It was a SIGN. Any who, I honestly feel that it would be so much easier for me and everyone else if they all just did not care and did not "love" me.. Like honestly, I do not deserve any of that like I am a terrible person and friend. I am SUPER sarcastic and I guess selfish on certain occasions I don't know. I am unworthy I guess . Goodnight.