No Tears Left to Cry

Today was like any other boring day. Watching T.V. Dying of the horrific heat. Then 6:30 PM came along. My mother was finally back in town. I thought it would enjoyable and nice catching up a little. I thought wrong. It started off well; I told her about the things I did with my friends. Then I said something that she disagreed with- this is where every conversation I have with her goes awry. Whatever her opinion is, everyone- I mean EVERYONE- must think the same thing. I think that the foster care program is "sensitive" thing because so many children get mistreated in this program because the adults are only in it for the money and the children get neglected. I know this because I know a few people who have been through that situation before. My mother believes that that is a lie just because she knows a couple people who foster children and are nice and caring. Well did she even begin to think about all the other people who aren't caring and nice? NO. But, because that is what she believes I must believe it or she will just tell me I am wrong and I don't know anything about anything in this world. Which is bullshit being that I cannot believe what I want to believe openly. Or I get shut down and told I don't understand anything because I am a teenager and I only follow the fad. OMFG I am almost 19 years old, I have know quite a few people in this world and many of them have had tough experiences that I know about. So I know what I am talking about- well at least a little bit to know this. Gosh I know it has only been about a week, but I really miss my father. He is in Wisconsin until Sunday but next week I am moving out if that house and into my mother's because it is a lot closer to my college. College is going to be so stressful being that my mother now has a new boyfriend so she will probably leave me to care for all her fucking animals. I JUST WANNA MOVE OUT OF THIS HOUSE SOO BAD. I never realized that even though me and my father always argued, we are almost exactly the same. We both lack emotions, we both are very mellow, want what we want, a little stingy x), etc. It is going be so difficult not seeing him as much anymore and being stuck with this controlling bitch. Now that she is no longer with my alcoholic stepfather she thinks she can act however she wants. She doesn't understand she still has my little sister to have to look after, and how is she going to be able to do that when she is sleeping over at her new boyfriend's house every night. I know that me and my sister don't show it, but I know that we haven't had the closure need to move past the terrible things that have happened when my mother is off sleeping with men. Maybe I am looking to far into things but I never really processed the fact that I am going to miss my stingy goofball of a dad so much that just thinking about it makes me cry the tears that I no longer have had in years. I have cried so much over the years that I no longer can cry so this is a big deal. I used to cry so much when I watch movies or shows and see someone live happily ever after. I would just sit there and cry knowing that I have a good chance of never finding my true love because I don't even know what love is and that any kind of compassion that is expressed I immediately push that person away. Tonight I watched Pocahontas and Pocahontas II and I just sat there thinking that I will never be loved that much or wanted that much and that used to bring me to tears every time I thought about it. Over the years, I get the feeling of internal pain so much that my eyes are used to it so they no longer cry, but when thinking that I am trading my loving, yet annoying, father for my controlling close minded mother. I sure hope I find people at this college that love me for me and can help me escape this hell hole of a house. I LOVE YOU DADDY, if you ever get to read these, I am sorry for being a disappointment and making life so difficult for you. I Love You and I Always Will.     I haven't cried this much in over 2 years, even through abuse I haven't cried this much. Love hurts so much more than knowing that I will forever be damaged and mentally ill. Anyways sorry for the sob story. Goodnight Lovelies! Live Strong and Live Long.<3