It is 1 am. I am still up listening to music. It makes me cry when I think of how I cannot feel emotions other than anger and pain, and I only feel Numb. I cannot feel physical pain much anymore and I only felt pain when I think of abandonment. To me, it is still technically yesterday since I have not slept yet, but since it is past midnight, it is tomorrow or today or whatever. I only cut to know I am numb everywhere not just in my mind. Ron, family friend, came over and it was weird because it hurts a lot to know that I am alone and unattractive because I have no one that finds me worth anything to even think I am pretty. I wish college will change that and give me a reason to legitimately want to stop cutting. Right now, it is the only thing steady in my life and it gives me some leisure at heart. Please, college, give me attractive people that actually find me worth their time </3
I cut again at 3 am, being it was becoming unbearable. I regret it but then again I don't. Being a cutter, my scars and wounds are beautiful and tell me the pain is not just in my head, it is also physical. Being in public, my scars and wounds are embarrassing and I do not want to be targeted or judged, that is mostly why I hide them so much.
Again today around 6:45 pm. My blade is getting duller and duller :_(. I just discovered I can buy 100 blades at $7. What a steal! I won't ever need that many but DAMN that's a great price. Yet the double edge ones that I wanted to start using (because they are way cooler looking) are way to expensive. Oh well!! I will get over it. So while I was cutting deeper, it began to HEAL. WTF!! It was very frustrating because then I couldn't get the blood to help the blood slide. it didn't cut very well this time. I've been shallower and I have been deeper so I can't complain to much.
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