Too Dull

Today, June 11, absolutely nothing happened. Why does my life have to be so dull once school is completed?! When I am left to over process my thoughts and feelings, nothing good an come of it. I woke up, took a shower and went on Youtube. I was listening to my depressing music like always and discovered new songs and artists. I discovered MikelWJ and BMike. They both are really good! The song Please Don't Cut by MikelWJ is linked under pages. His other songs, like Dear Diary, are all very powerful and are dedicated to pain and stuff. Dear Diary is about anorexia and bulimia; it was very good. My favorite song I discovered today was Baby Don't Cut by BMike. It is about this girl that cuts and she promises her boyfriend to never do it again, but then one day it becomes unbearable and she ends up killing herself. It was SOO sad, yet it is realistic. He also did other songs like Life In My Stomach, which is about a woman who is having a baby and the father doesn't want it so he kicks her and kills it. SOO DEPRESSING YET SOO POWERFUL. So at 6:30 ish my mother comes hoe and I tell her about BMike and his song Life In My Stomach and she starts to like joke around and say if he wanted to kill the baby he should have done it earlier and stuff. That made me so fucking upset I don't even know what to do with myself. This made me think to myself that this is the EXACT reason I cannot tell her about my cutting; she will take it as a joke or just tell me I am overreacting. Why can't my parents be caring and actually loving?! If I tell the something depressing they tell me to ignore it, that they don't care, or joke around. Surprisingly enough, my father takes things more seriously but he gets angry 10 times faster. I wish I had a normal life because then I probably would not have started cutting in the first place. SOO yes I did cut today. Not deep at all because my FUCKING razor hates me and is now as dull as a kitchen knife. It took me twice as long to get anywhere. Plus when it is dull, I won't bleed. I didn't bleed like at all really. It pissed me off so I guess tomorrow I must get a new one ;) Yay! I am still contemplating whether or not to buy that 100 pack just because it is pretty cheap. Yet I keep getting this feeling that when I go to purchase them I will get stares and get silent judgments. Sooner or later my father will notice that they are disappearing because I need to replace them after a month or so. Hmm... FUCK YOU RAZOR DON'T GET DULL!! Anyways, cutting today was a pain and a half. It did not hurt at all but I had to press with full force and it did nothing but get stuck. FUCK! New razor here I come <3. So I was thinking since I am spending the night with Ashley and Selina on Friday that I could possibly show them but yet what if they tell their parents or tell me to leave or try to tell me to get help. IDK. I don't really want help at this point. It has been almost 3 years and you would have thought if I wanted help I would have already gotten it by now. So that is still fresh in my mind but not even showing them will stop me from cutting daily. It is a disgrace but it is the only way I feel alive or human. I am constantly numb- Only numb. So thank god I do not have the urge to cut tonight- knock on wood. SO I ended up telling Selina and Ashley about me started cutting again. That was VERY stressful. Selina was okay with it like nothing to stress about, but Ashley was the opposite. She asked "Why?!" Of all the questions did she have to ask why, because that is the only question I cannot answer. Yeah. Well after I told them I had a breakdown, again. All the thought of them telling me that I overreacted and that I am emo freak went running through me mind. I wanted to cut but I knew that it would only make it worse so I didn't. I felt alittle proud but not much. Why must people ask "WHY?!" When I am asked that I feel as though I am "overreacting" because I cannot answer the question right away, let alone at all. The worst part had to be when she said that because I did not know why I cut then I should not cut. It makes sense but no sense. You do not need to know why you are doing something when you are doing it. It could all be impulse because that is all I am doing. It makes me feel alive and allows me to see something that normal people have too- Blood. Anyways before I get triggered, I am changing the subject. I have just been on Youtube- all night ;) So I had like a sudden urge to listen to Black Veil Brides. Strange Right? Haven't listened to them in a long while. The older songs are better in my opinion because they actually scream and it is harder than their newer stuff. Yet Andy Biersack is still as hot as he always was hahaha. SO ya... I am gunna conclude this post. See Ya. ;)