Girl, Interrupted with Headaches and Stomach Pains

Today, I officially moved out of my childhood house.. It was heartbreaking. I have lived there since I was 1 years old. I now live with my mother permanently. It hurts, ALOT! I have like 5 large boxes in my tiny ass room that was meant to be an office. its like a 10x10 room. And now my mother wants me to buy myself a mini fridge and I HAVE NO room to put it or any free outlets. D:< She irritates me soooo much! UGH! So this morning I saw my father for the first time in two weeks. It was nice to see him, then 10 minutes passed and I wanted to strangle him. He flips out about the littlest things. Like I left my cereal bowl on the table that I was going to clean when the next T.V. commercial was on. ugh.. Oh well... So I moved all my stuff to my mother's house- that was soo much work trying to get all my crap to fit in my tiny car, I left ALL my stuffed animals there :( I love those. I was on Tumblr for like 3 hours xD and I kept seeing posts about a movie called Girl, Interrupted. I then looked it up and watched it. I LOVED IT!! <3 One of the best movies. I recommend you watch it! It is about a girl that checks into a mental institution in the 1960's.

Yep.... So apparently I am unable to "think outside the box".. That is quite painful because I believe I am very creative. :'( Well.... I am now able to walk around public with not hiding my scars on my wrist :) well as long as my family is not around x) I feel so proud of myself. I had my scars in full view until my mother came home and I ran into my room to cover them up xP. So close haha.

Well it hurts when I sit here and over think everything and begin to think that I TRULY cannot feel anything other than pain, sorrow, embarrassment, and numbness... I haven't felt true happiness in years! I wish that I could just get a boyfriend that would take away all my worries and sorrow forever! </3 But I know that won't happen... I am incapable of feeling love. I don't even feel true like love for my family members- It sucks. I think I am starting to develop an eating disorder like no joke O.o I'm scared. Every time I go to eat a piece of food in my mouth, I just wanna like throw it away and never eat a piece of matter again. I want to be like model thin. Have curves in all the right places. Have average size boobs. Have a gap between my thighs. Have my hips slightly stick out showing I have a flat stomach. Wear a size 0 pants and small shirts. I feel like shit every time I look in the mirror, like a fat ass that everyone looks at and thinks "Eww, She should stop eating- for like FOREVER!" Everywhere I go I am judged and looked at funny for how I look. FAT and have colored hair. Everyone that has colored hair now a days are super skinny and perfect!! </3 WHY CAN"T I BE 100lbs!!!!!! not overweight... I HATE MYSELF like more than anyone could hate me... I know it isn't healthy but I can't help it. I have all the reason in the world to hate myself. I have always grown up hating myself even when I was like 5 years old. I have always seen myself as fat and ugly... Over the years though, it has gotten so bad that I started to hurt myself. 8th Grade was the first time, well subconsciously. I used to carve hearts into my hands using pencils then putting sharpie into the wound to make it sting and try to make it a tattoo... :/ oh well I guess I have my reasons.
Follow me on Tumblr! <3 It'll make me feel loved! alittle.