Music Can Make or Break My Mood

I cut only once today. I am a little proud being the nigh before did not go very well. I discovered a new song today, Nobody Home by Avril Lavigne, it is really good being it is an older song of hers. I did not cut very deep today which is a good thing but for some reason the outer side bleeds quite a bit more than the inner side, I don't know why. It sucked because I wanted to keep going but I knew I shouldn't. Too much blood for my liking. Misguided Ghosts by Paramore! Listening to this song right now xD. Oh! now it's Believe in Me by Demi Lovato, both are amazing songs. The video to Demi's song is a lot more meaningful yet I haven't seen Paramore's video. Also Demi's video hits home. Paramore's is just about life in general and Demi's is about hiding the real you and wising you could be yourself. Whenever I begin to overanalyze a song, I start to cry because then I begin to connect it to ME. Damn haha! I wish I could show Ashley and Selina the real me. I just cannot. Belle and Josh know but do not know the full extent of it. I showed them my first entry and they had nothing really to say, not all that surprising. I really wish they would express how they truly feel about me. I feel as though they pretend to understand just to pity me and shut me up because I tend to burden them with my imaginary problems. Breathe Me by Sia. It feels as though I permanently live under a stormy cloud of pessimism. Sometimes it's a very slight drizzle then sometimes is a full on hurricane, It's just like the weather too- unexpected. Whenever I think about the inside of my mind and what it could possibly look like, I think shades of grey with a safe filled to the max of secrets that I only tell a select few. if any. Now tomorrow I am required by Ashley and Selina to do some lip dub for senior class only. They said I have to do it or I will be a loner during free period and nutrition break. Being the person who cannot stand to be alone, I gave in. And now I have to wear orange and black...yaay... Ugh!!! Why can't I just disappear?!?! I just wish one day I disappeared without anyone else ever knowing I existed. I even had that same daydream/zoning where I died in a "tragic" car accident but then I saw my mother crying and I remembered her saying that if anything happened to my sister and I, she probably would not be able to go on. I would be hurting her and the other few who care. I keep thinking to myself about the person that dies every year right before graduation and how everyone remembered him and recognized him. I keep kind of wishing that that would happen to me just so I can get out of the dark  and into the light. It kind of sounds selfish but I never get attention unless it is bad. EVER! If I talk to my friends, the conversations are always revolved around them or drama. I do my best to try to make myself laugh and I seem to be getting better at just making everything dirty because that is very easy with how Ashley and Selina talk ;3 Anyways ttyl. <3