Fuck

        ...fuck... that is all I can say. Today started off okay, I got a $1000 scholarship from AI for my beautiful cake I made. Then when we had to all file into a hallway was when it turned terrible. My anxiety decided to act up. I wanted to just crawl up into a ball in a corner and cry. People started to get closer and closer and I couldn't take it. So I moved to an empty area and just stood there leaning up against a wall waiting for instruction. Then more people decided to get close again and by this point my heart was racing and I could barely breathe but I didn't show it. We finally were allowed to leave the hallway into the waiting room to see our financial aid officer. It was getting better, I paced around the room a little, well in a circle in a corner. I could not stand all the little kids just staring at me. Excuse me for not wearing a dress and high heels to a 15 minute ceremony... I just wore jean shorts a cut shirt tank top and my lace toms (knock offs). Gosh. An hour went by and my admissions officer saw that I was the last person waiting to get seen, of course I am the last person I always am, and came up to me. I asked why I was the last person and he explained and asked if I had the paperwork he asked me fill out and I said yes. Then came the worst moment of my life, My anxiety was slowly disappearing but when I went to elaborate my answer I started stuttering, OMG I wanted to cry, so I told him I had to get them from my car. I took a walk to my car to get some fresh air. It helped a little. Then from there it was fine being I just had to drive home after I met my officer.
          So I am doing this diet thing called my fitness journal and I actually like it. I log in the food I ate and how much I exercise and it calculates how much more I have to eat or exercise. Well today I was feeling terrible because of the AI thing so I started to exercise, like ALOT. 1 hour then turned into 2 hours. I was playing Sweat Mode on Just Dance 3 because it tires the shit out of me. I then did my calculations for how much calories I burned and it came to be 1,735 calories. I AM SO HAPPY. I have a net calories of -881 for the day :D I am so excited so that means even if I eat just a little, I will still be negative :D I am so excited.
        So I am now cutting a lot less now like I cut yesterday for the first time in like 2-3 days. I have found bruising myself a lot more relieveing because it allows me to release all the anger and pressure that has built up. Yet I took a shower and noticed that I have a mildly blue wrist... :/ awkward. but least my bracelets draw attention else where... Yet I have noticed that I can walk around the house with my latest scars on my wrists showing without my mother noticing :D YAY. hahah.

     God I hate driving with my mother soooo much. I don't like driving with A/C on when it is a nice day out, but when i tell her that she says we aren't even moving. God I am driving and this is my car I will do as I please!... Ugh okay ttyl peace out :)