First Day of Another Hell

So I had algebra first. I got to the school at like 7 A.M and just hung out in my car on my laptop till like 7:25 A.M ish. When I got the building where my class was, I headed straight to the bathroom being it was the first door when I entered. I stood in front of the mirror just staring at myself for like 10 minutes because I could not get myself to go to class... I felt like shit. I was alone in that building and look like a fool. So today I wore shorts, my cut up Suicide Silence shirt, combat boots, beanie, checkered scarf and my bracelets with my fingerless gloves- just trying to be me. I finally got the courage to go to class- now 7:35 ish. I sat down in an empty computer, expecting the class to get fuller. Once class started many people walked in but, of course, no one would dare sit next to me. The looked at the seat next to me but then headed to the other seats- like I was contagious. WHY MUST I BE SUCH A FREAK?!?! I just minded my own business the entire class but when I went to ask questions, like how to turn on the very confusing machine, people would just give me attitude. I am once again the outsider, outcast, FREAK... It also doesn't help that I am a newbie... I get lost... ALL THE TIME!!!! I just want today to be over already... It doesn't help that while I was sitting in class my shorts rode up so my fresh cuts could show... SO EMBARRASSING! but I think that no one saw because they could care less about me and my existence. SO yeah I am now sitting in my car like a loner- WOO HOO... You have no idea how much I want to cry. I just cannot get my eyes to shed one tear to release my anger, frustration,..... sorrow. Honestly, I couldn't even get myself to walk through a crowd to get to the student lounge so I just turned myself around and walked back to my car... God my anxiety is so bad that I had 2 hours of light sleep and a half mug of coffee. That is all I have eaten. UGH! now I am freaking out because I have fundamentals next (at 2:45PM) and I just really do not want to go- like AT ALL... Everyone was so excited for me to go to college and have my first day. My mother even said that I will definitely make a friend on the first day... At this rate, I would be lucky enough to just survive the day... Gosh everyone said that I would have fun... It's sad that no one understands that I rarely have fun and ESPECIALLY NOT on the first day of anything.... WOO I just love being a loner... Why can't I live by here so I can just go home? ALONE, by MYSELF, FAT, FREAK... that is how I look right now... What if during my fundamentals I make a fool of myself and people laugh at me like at Esco. I feel like shit- Straight Up. Nuff said. Goodbye for now... Hopefully post again tonight with my final opinions... <3 ya
thanks for caring enough to keep reading my blogs.. Not even my friends really read them.... It hurts when I ask if they read any of them and they just say "No".