"See You're Just Wasted, Thinking About the Past Again. Darling, You'll Be Okay." -PTV

So the first "week" of college is now behind me. It was not very good. I felt like an outsider. I knew that I wasn't going to fit in very well, which surprised me. I chose this school thinking that I would probably fit in... But I don't not at all. First class was terrible, already told you about that one. First day of Fundamentals was not very good either. Although I did push myself to talk to this chick in my class. It was nice. We now talk but only in class. Second day started of terrible. I was so tired the night before that I slept through my alarm so I missed my first class which was Culinary Concepts and Theories. So I had to email my instructor to tell him that I am actually in that class... Ugh then it took my like 70 minutes to get to school which was irritating being I only planned for 90 minutes till class started and I still had to get changed at school. Ugh... But luckily Fundamentals wasn't AS bad the second day. I seriously thought I would make friends... I thought wrong- VERY WRONG. I met Wednesday and we have not classes together and we don't talk being she has work and a girlfriend to tend to. Then there is the chick from my Fundamentals class, Kate, and she lives like 3 hours away from me so there is no way we could realistically be friends. I still have my few friends in Escondido but even those friendships are straining. I don't talk to Ash anymore, she has Jacob- her boyfriend. Selina is busy with her whatever she is doing. And Belle, well is being Belle. I don't really talk to Josh anymore being he just is to preoccupied with himself and girls- oh and videogames. I am ALONE, once again. But this time, it is literal not just mentally. My sister now has a laptop too so she just hibernates on that like me( but I am doing school work being it is mostly online). My mother works and has a boyfriend and has friends... I no longer live with my dad but he has dates and friends and vacations to Vegas. I just don't know anymore... I just get the feeling that if I disappeared no one would really notice for a long time. My mother or sister would be the only ones who would notice and by their history, it wouldn't matter much. I swear though, I feel like all the 350+ view are all just click look and bye.. I don't know... I wish I had someone to talk to and share things with-like I do on her but have a receiving end... I don't know.. If school doesn't work out, life probably isn't worth living. School is the only reason I am alive today, which is weird but true. People Leave Me, Break Me, Hurt Me. I Break Me, Hurt Me, Go Crazy. Academics was the only thing that made me feel like I accomplish something because it makes me feel smart and gives me something to focus my broken focus on. I just wish I had someone I can truly put my focus on and not be thrown on the back burner or even in the dumpster for some Plastic Barbie.... God it shows I am so alone that I have resulted to blogging and Tumblr. ( I am not dissing it in any way... It saved my sanity but still) People, busy people, do not have blogs or a Tumblr with 10 followers and 300+ maybe 400+ posts and no one looking at them.. I also have resulted in obsession with fan fiction.. Oh god... I am an adult permanently frozen in teen mentality. I feel like I am ALONE no matter how many people are around me... I just draw, write, and cut my feelings away on my notebook, laptop, and thighs.... Why am I such a lost cause.... Please someone give me something to strive towards... Someone contact me! Show me a little glance of glimmering hope. Some say I am only doing this for attention. For your information, I AM. I want to find someone that understands me and knows that everything I do is secretive because I am so ashamed at everything I have done that I live in a room with no windows or doors and only a noose.
"Some friends, you left me hanging in a room with a noose in a chair.
You told me to stay put and reminded me why I was there.
Cold blooded and misguided, You thought this would be your best,
then you try to hide it"

      
*personal artwork :)