So some of you may be visiting me from my post on Tumblr. For those who have not seen that post, I'll resay it. Well these last couple hours I have been feeling like super depressed- like worse than normal. I graduated over 1 1/2 months ago. That was one of the last times I have seen my "friends". Since then I have talk to my BFF a couple times but she always takes FOREVER to respond and she is still in high school so she doesn't truly understand me completely. I talked to one of my other "so called" friends on Friday for like 15 minutes texting time. That it! I swear I thought I had friends... I was wrong... I was just used to make other people not look like a loner. What hurts the most is the guy that I thought of as my brother is even ignoring me... I told him EVERYTHING! My self harm, my disorders( which he got pissed at me for saying I over reacted). God I feel like shit! </3 total heartbroken. I posted on Facebook a picture and saying I am feeling uber depressed and that I hate showing it but I feel alone. That everyone has abandoned me... Then I expected acouple of my closer friends to like it or message me or something asking if I was okay or something because I REALLY need someone to talk to right now. But NO nothing. And I know people have seen it because like half of my friends list is active and they are posting things after so I know they saw it... I just feel like that dead bug on your back bummer- not noticed and not given a fuck about. What if I posted about my thoughts of suicide? Would they respond then? Or would they just let me do whatever... Then after I saw someone post about how if someone came to them about suicide they would just say "Bitch do it" and laugh.. God!!!!!!!!! Why am I alone!?! I guess my fear of abandonment has come true.. I am officially ALONE. On my own.... I even live with my mother and sister and they don't even notice my existence unless they want something from me... Tonight is a time for my vice... I have even considered starting up smoking again... I know I can't afford it but at least I will be killing myself faster and it will calm me down a little. So I have moved to a new city and new school and all my friends from my old school and city have erased me from their mind... Don't I feel good... What if I killed myself right now? What would they do? How would they feel? Oh and I just realized that I am friends with my cousins on facebook and they don't even care much.. FUCK! All I have is Tumblr (and my 11 followers) and Bring Me The Horizon.... Alone. Pathetic. Worthless. Forgotten. Emo. Attention Seeker. and ABANDONED FOREVER.
I keep seeing posts on Tumblr about "How are you gunna love someone else if you cannot even love yourself." It is so true on my behalf. I don't know if I can ever love someone. Especially because I have never felt love towards someone especially not myself. I seriously always envision myself dying in a car crash or 'tragic" accident and not caring one moment. If I am dead, no one must deal with me anymore and I won't feel this pain or the voice making me feel even worse. We will see... </3
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