New Chapter in My Ongoing Stuggles

Today, I am officially a freshman in college :0 It is scary knowing that everything academically I have ever learned in grade school is not really applicable to my major, it only applies to my general ed. Anyways, orientation today was both cool and boring as fuck. Well, I met a couple people, 2 to be exact. One is 20 gunna be 21 and the other was 27. The 20 year old is named Wednesday, I can now say I know a person named that x), she is also going for a Baking & Pastry degree like me. We actually have quite a bit in common. It was kind of scary for me because I have never had someone like A LOT of the same things. We both love Adventure Time (but who doesn't?). We both are obsessed with Doctor Who. We both love SWS and PTV along with other bands. TUMBLR!!!!!  Hmm there is more I just can't think of it at the moment. We talked A LOT. It was cool getting to know her. Let's just see if we have at least one class together this quarter, if not maybe the next one. She's cool I would hang out with her. The 27 year old was named Ashley and she has two daughters, one is 2 years old and the other is 5 months old. Her husband is in and out of jail a lot so she has basically adopted his two other children. She is enrolled in Culinary Arts; we may end up getting a class together I don't know. She is one that is nice to talk to but I don't think we could really hang out because we have such different lifestyles but it was fun talking with her at orientation. Yeah well I officially have a new nickname being I am starting at a new school and I know NO ONE- which is nice so I can restart my rep over again. It is Shawnee xD I love that name; it is a little weird being I had  girl in my class last year named that but who the fuck cares I will never see her again. YAY! haha The only thing that sucked was there was like long periods of walking then REALLY long periods of sitting and listening to speakers :/ talk about boring... It sucks because I am not able to wear perfume, nail polish, and not even small EARRINGS into my lab classes :/ Ugh oh well price I got to pay right? to be professional. Well I got my supply kit and uniforms lets just say DAMN it was heavy and expensive. $775. 0.o yay grants and scholarship. haha yep OH one last thing on this topic- they have MINTS in the bathrooms :D yay clean breathe! ahah
So I kept getting this feeling that I will not be capable of keeping friends, like grade school. What if I can't make friends? What if I can't find a decent guy? I will live a life of solitude and blogging.... God, I am going to be forever alone. I still have never kissed a guy and I am almost 19 FUCKING years old!!!! Why must I be so fat and unattractive an repulsive?!?! I just wish I can say I have felt love and experienced it... I just don't know if can or will even have the chance to. I honestly thought that when I walked into orientation I would see at least one attractive person.. NONE. ZIP. ZERO. NADA. NOTHING. NIEN. It was very disappointing, yet I did strut around that campus like I was confident because I want people to see what I actually wish I could be. Well I am FUCKED FOREVER.                                            Me=Forever Alone
Ya so my temporary blackouts/zonings are getting worse and worse each passing day. Today I was playing Wii as a form of my exercise program and next thing I know I blinked and I saw that I was playing a perfect score on the baseball one... I don't even remember hitting the second ball... I kind of got worried but just overlooked it. Then, like not even ten minutes ago, I was looking for my metal tweezers then I blink and I am banging them into the wop of my wrist leaving bruises and punching it... IDK why I would do that... Oh.. I was reading fanfiction and it was one on a girl that falls in love with Tony Perry <3 (PTV-guitarist) and he loves her back and stuff so maybe that caused my sef conscience/that god-damn voice in my fucking disturbed of a mind I have. I swear I don't even remember writing half this stuff I am writing right now... It is like just spoken to me and I type, like right now I am thinking of what to write but there is this fucking asshole voice that keeps making me lose my train of thought...!! D:< UGH!!!!!!! WHY do I hate myself so much? Everyone always tells me that I am not fat, yet them NEVER have told me I am skinny (maybe that's why idk). Lately the ONLY compliments I get are for my hair.. It's like of course my hair is cool and pretty, That you can change in two hours.. Being skinny, beautiful, irresistible, and perfect takes from birth. I will NEVER be any of those things because I was not born close to any of them. God I feel like shit. I haven't cut in two days.. yay.. I eat under 1000 calories a day and burn off at least 300a day from exercise... Why can I not lose weight faster.. I just wish I could find someone that gives me a reason to move on in life and someone for me to fall back on when I am falling hard. </3 Oh well..Imma go cut the living shit out of myself- not really. But I do feel like I could get shot right now and I wouldn't care if I died. Goodnight.