Well lets just say that third week in and I still don't really have any friends :(. I have the people in my Skills class that I cook with everyday but that is it... I still spend 3 hours in between my class sitting alone in the student lounge. You know that quote that goes, "People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don't think that's true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world." Yeah that one... It is the most accurate thing I have ever heard in my life. For most of my life, I have been surrounded by "friends" but they never really made me feel like I TRULY belonged hanging out with them... The only people I felt TRULY involved with was in 8-9 th grade when I only hung out with my nerd friends because they actually cared and included me in everything. OMG. I am like dying of loud noise!! The people in here- Student Lounge- are like SUPER loud and annoying.. And I even have headphones in and music blaring and I can hear them over it...
So onto explaining the title of this post:
Every time I enter any place that has even the smallest amount of people- if it has people, I get super anxious. My anxiety kicks into hyper drive. Well today I walked into the Student Lounge to find it SUPER CROWDED and there was no empty tables so I had to sit with people... I almost turned around and ran back to my car to just hang out in there... But I sucked it up and sat down... Then 1 minute later the other person got up and left.. It's like people get repulsed by me or something. God my anxiety is like getting worse and worse with every situation. I feel like I wanna cry every time I see someone glancing my direction. I can feel the judging, the hate, the disgust. And this is the college I thought I wouldn't get that at.. I was as wrong as wrong gets. T-T The louder my thoughts get the louder I turn up my music and I keep worrying that my headphones are gunna blow... Then I will be stuck listening to my thoughts and that god damn voice getting stronger, louder, more persuasive and angry. Sempiternal is my heaven album right now.. It is addresses all the topics my depressing playlist does but this has anger involved which makes me feel like I am not alone-- That you can be depressed and still so angry-- If you feel the same way, you are not alone and I recommend listening to this album if you haven't already. OMG! So there are like certain comments that you don't know if they are a compliment or an insult. Like some random person walked up to me and then said" Oh, sorry thought you were someone else" and walks away, but returns. He then says "Now that I see your face full frontal, you look NOTHING like her" It's like is that an insult or a compliment.... Gosh... Luckily though, he wasn't attractive so I won't look to much into it but still.. Come on people! Don't say things like that after you walked away once... Gosh.. xP..
Hmmm well goodbye.. I have to go get really for Skills :/
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