Being Defensive for No Reason

Let's just say that I feel like shit. The lowest of the lows. It was nice spending the night at my father's house for the last time for a long time. It was relaxing until they doubt me... Again... Then I get defensive and then I get put down for "being defensive for no reason". I am now back at my mother's house and lets just say I regretted it all day. My mother took my car... Again... without my permission. It irritates the fuck out of me because it is an old car and is really sensitive and if she blows the timing chain I am screwed. She likes to push my baby past its ability and it scares me because that is my only car. Ugh! Let's just say it pissed me off so I have been avoiding my mother all night. I swear she like does not give a fuck about anyone else but herself. She finds it necessary to insult both my sister and I constantly. She tends to call herself fat like three times a day and she knows that we are like twice her size so she obviously knows that it hurts us because she is calling us fat. It hurts me, ALOT. She has been saying that to our faces for years and years. No wonder I grew up with terrible self image issues. Also, all she cares about is her relationship and how many boys find her attractive and she's like 37 not 17. She needs to grow up!!! Fuck!!!!
God! Do you have any idea what it is like to look at food and feel disgusting but still eat it because I have to or my stomach feels like it is caving in. I survive on eating around 1000 calories then burning off 1500 calories. I love seeing my food journal read a negative number, it makes me feel a little better about myself.
So I cannot look at myself in a mirror!!!! Every time I see myself I just want to starve myself just to be pretty. I just want to cut and cut and cut. I want to glide that shiny blade across my thigh and just see the only beautiful thing about me run down my leg. Glistening Red Stream. I feel conflicting thoughts run through my head. I want to be covered in scars, those are the only things that exert beauty on my skin. But the thought that no one will ever love a cutter, especially an unattractive one at that. I just look back at everything I write and I think about how pathetic I sound. A lot of people have it worse than I but I still feel like my life is shit. I know that a part of me wants to get help but then the majority of me thinks that I am unfixable and that everything I do is just a call for attention and a way to cope at nonexistent problems. I don't know what to think anymore. I have kind of given up on everything. Well everything but my schooling because that is the only thing that I have a bit of a chance to be successful.

All in all, I feel numb- dead- if feel nothing just emptiness... I feel that if I disappeared no one would care. I am just DONE with everything.