But I Was Told We Are Poor

The past few years, my family has been struggling with money with my stepfather only receiving unemployment. But the past months have been even harder, being my mother is going through a divorce. She has the mortgage and all the bills to pay all by herself, plus she now has lawyer bills to have to pay. So we are SUPER tight on money. I recently received quite a bit of money for graduation that I was going to use for when I finally get my room that is detached from the main building to paint it and get new furniture, but being I have to spend it on gas and the bills my mother cannot pay... But I just found out that the reason my mother was gone the last 10 hours was because she was buying a NEW CAR even though she already has truck! She can't even pay her own bills and she's buying a new car... I am like so mad I want to go up to her and beat the shit out of her because if I ask for gas money she says I have to get a job. Which I am trying! I have applied to like 5 places in the last week.... I just haven't received any answer... So I can't help it... Ugh I am just pissed !!! I want a new car and I honestly needed a new one more than she will for a long time!! I have a 1999 Honda Civic that is falling apart... She has like a 2006 Ford F250... SHE DOES NOT NEED A NEW CAR!!! I do... And I drive 45 minutes to school and I cannot risk breaking down because I live so far away.... UGH I HATE LIVING WITH MY MOTHER.... at least my father is somewhat realistic when it comes to large purchases... OMFG!! She is now trying to convince me and my sister that spending $12000 of money we don't have on a third car is necessary for us to have.. But it isn't working... Still so pissed! Woohoo.... and she brings up the job subject... When I go to explain to my grandfather where I have applied she interrupts saying I am not applying to places fast enough!! MG do NOT interrupt me when I am saying I am doing my hardest to get a job just to say I am NOT going fast enough!!! FUCK I WANT TO GO APESHIT ON HER ASS!

So living in this household causes me to want to cut like every FUCKING day... But I don't... I wish it was fall or winter because then I can start cutting my wrist again.... I miss it... A lot!... I love just looking at it and running my fingertips over the precise lines running across my wrist. I want the blood to be dripping down my arm. I do not want to have to have my pants down in order to cut myself. I loved the convenience of just lifting my bracelet or a sleeve and releasing SO MUCH tension and anger that I feel... Oh the anger! So frustrating when there is nothing I can do... I hate being told that my hardest is not up to expectations... I feel worthless, like a failure. I constantly wonder that if I died, maybe they would appreciate what I am able to do... If only I could actually kill myself and not fail at that too... I get close but then my body seems to fight everything I do.... EVERYTHING.

Yesterday, my mother's boyfriend's son Caleb was asking me a bunch of questions about me. He asked me if I had any friends and that really like hit me hard. I actually do not have any friends. I said that I had one, Annabelle... It made me wanna cry. A three year old snapped me back to reality. I have lost all my friends.. All because of stupid fucking high school drama.

I. AM.ALONE.

Beginning to Crave Anxiety

So I just found out that I am almost done with my College Algebra course. ;) That's right! I am a Math-Magician hahaha. Yeah...

Well lets just say that third week in and I still don't really have any friends :(. I have the people in my Skills class that I cook with everyday but that is it... I still spend 3 hours in between my class sitting alone in the student lounge. You know that quote that goes, "People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don't think that's true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world." Yeah that one... It is the most accurate thing I have ever heard in my life. For most of my life, I have been surrounded by "friends" but they never really made me feel like I TRULY belonged hanging out with them... The only people I felt TRULY involved with was in 8-9 th grade when I only hung out with my nerd friends because they actually cared and included me in everything. OMG. I am like dying of loud noise!! The people in here- Student Lounge- are like SUPER loud and annoying.. And I even have headphones in and music blaring and I can hear them over it...

So onto explaining the title of this post:
Every time I enter any place that has even the smallest amount of people- if it has people, I get super anxious. My anxiety kicks into hyper drive. Well today I walked into the Student Lounge to find it SUPER CROWDED and there was no empty tables so I had to sit with people... I almost turned around and ran back to my car to just hang out in there... But I sucked it up and sat down... Then 1 minute later the other person got up and left.. It's like people get repulsed by me or something. God my anxiety is like getting worse and worse with every situation. I feel like I wanna cry every time I see someone glancing my direction. I can feel the judging, the hate, the disgust. And this is the college I thought I wouldn't get that at.. I was as wrong as wrong gets. T-T The louder my thoughts get the louder I turn up my music and I keep worrying that my headphones are gunna blow... Then I will be stuck listening to my thoughts and that god damn voice getting stronger, louder, more persuasive and angry. Sempiternal is my heaven album right now.. It is addresses all the topics my depressing playlist does but this has anger involved which makes me feel like I am not alone-- That you can be depressed and still so angry-- If you feel the same way, you are not alone and I recommend listening to this album if you haven't already. OMG! So there are like certain comments that you don't know if they are a compliment or an insult. Like some random person walked up to me and then said" Oh, sorry thought you were someone else" and walks away, but returns. He then says "Now that I see your face full frontal, you look NOTHING like her" It's like is that an insult or a compliment.... Gosh... Luckily though, he wasn't attractive so I won't look to much into it but still.. Come on people! Don't say things like that after you walked away once... Gosh.. xP..

Hmmm well goodbye.. I have to go get really for Skills :/

I Can't Drown My Demons, They Know How to Swim

I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.

So some of you may be visiting me from my post on Tumblr. For those who have not seen that post, I'll resay it. Well these last couple hours I have been feeling like super depressed- like worse than normal. I graduated over 1 1/2 months ago. That was one of the last times I have seen my "friends". Since then I have talk to my BFF a couple times but she always takes FOREVER to respond and she is still in high school so she doesn't truly understand me completely. I talked to one of my other "so called" friends on Friday for like 15 minutes texting time. That it! I swear I thought I had friends... I was wrong... I was just used to make other people not look like a loner. What hurts the most is the guy that I thought of as my brother is even ignoring me... I told him EVERYTHING! My self harm, my disorders( which he got pissed at me for saying I over reacted). God I feel like shit! </3 total heartbroken. I posted on Facebook a picture and saying I am feeling uber depressed and that I hate showing it but I feel alone. That everyone has abandoned me... Then I expected acouple of my closer friends to like it or message me or something asking if I was okay or something because I REALLY need someone to talk to right now. But NO nothing. And I know people have seen it because like half of my friends list is active and they are posting things after so I know they saw it... I just feel like that dead bug on your back bummer- not noticed and not given a fuck about. What if I posted about my thoughts of suicide? Would they respond then? Or would they just let me do whatever... Then after I saw someone post about how if someone came to them about suicide they would just say "Bitch do it" and laugh.. God!!!!!!!!! Why am I alone!?! I guess my fear of abandonment has come true.. I am officially ALONE. On my own.... I even live with my mother and sister and they don't even notice my existence unless they want something from me... Tonight is a time for my vice... I have even considered starting up smoking again... I know I can't afford it but at least I will be killing myself faster and it will calm me down a little. So I have moved to a new city and new school and all my friends from my old school and city have erased me from their mind... Don't I feel good... What if I killed myself right now? What would they do? How would they feel? Oh and I just realized that I am friends with my cousins on facebook and they don't even care much.. FUCK! All I have is Tumblr (and my 11 followers) and Bring Me The Horizon.... Alone. Pathetic. Worthless. Forgotten. Emo. Attention Seeker. and ABANDONED FOREVER.
I keep seeing posts on Tumblr about "How are you gunna love someone else if you cannot even love yourself." It is so true on my behalf. I don't know if I can ever love someone. Especially because I have never felt love towards someone especially not myself. I seriously always envision myself dying in a car crash or 'tragic" accident and not caring one moment. If I am dead, no one must deal with me anymore and I won't feel this pain or the voice making me feel even worse.  We will see... </3

This is Sempiternal

Bring Me The Horizon is one of the most inspirational bands of all time. Especially after they released their best album, Sempiternal. If you haven't heard this album and you are going through a tough time, I recommend listening to this album it addresses a lot of situations. I am currently OBSESSED with the album.
Hospital for Souls: The monologue is about drug addiction. Second stanza: daily suicidal thoughts. Third stanza: connecting with the listener. People aren't speaking out about their depression because they feel scared and powerless. Fourth Stanza: We walk alone. Idle. No talking. Nameless faces. Lonelyness. Sadness. Fifth stanza: it is basically questioning religious beliefs. Sixth stanza: we are all one. Seventh Stanza: why explore the universe with all these problems and unanswered questions we have here on earth? Rest is self explanatory for the most part.

If you haven't noticed this post isn't really a entry to my journal because I just don't know what really to write being the last one was expressing ALL my feelings. So I have nothing.... The only non-normal thing that happened today was the fact that I walked the dark night trilogy marathon. Then I went to watch the Pirates of the Caribbean marathon and the disc was missing from the case. And I got really pissed and chucked it at the wall, but nothing all to exciting. So now I got stuck watching Beauty and the Beast. But it is still a good movie. Good music.

ALMOST TO 500 VIEWS :D I feel somewhat interesting.

Hospital for Souls- Bring Me The Horizon

And then I found out how hard it is to really change.

Even hell can get comfy once you've settled in.

I just wanted the numb inside me to leave.

No matter how fucked you get, there's always hell when you come back down.

The funny thing is all I ever wanted I already had.

There's glimpses of heaven in everything.

In the friends that I have, the music I make, the love that I feel.

I just had to start again.

The days are a death wish

A witch hunt for an exit

I am powerless...

The fragile, the broken

Sit in circles and stay unspoken

We are powerless...

Cause we all walk alone on an empty staircase

Silent halls and nameless faces

I am powerless...

Everybody wants to go to Heaven

But nobody wants to die

I can't fear death no longer

I've died a thousand times

Why explore the universe

When we don't know ourselves?

There's an emptiness inside our heads

That no one dares to dwell...

Throw me to the flames

Watch me burn!

Set my world ablaze

Watch me burn!

How are we on a scale of one to ten?

Could you tell me what you see?

Do you wanna talk about it?

How does that make you feel?

Hold me close, don't let go

Watch me

Hold me close, don't let go

Watch me

Hold me close, don't let go

Watch me

In this hospital for souls

[x3]

Hold me close, don't let go

Watch me burn...

Hold me close, don't let go

Watch me burn...

Hold me close, don't let go

Watch me burn...

In this hospital for souls

[x2]

I Can't Fear Death No Longer

Wow 415 views :D thanks haha Now I just need more followers on Tumblr ;D wink wink

"Oh the thoughts. Oh the memories. How can I ever be the same again? Will I ever be the same again?" Every scar has a memory. Every memory has a scar. Most have one. Some have a few. I constantly think about myself covered in red lines running along my body. With perpendicular lines running down in glistening blood. I close my eyes and that is how I want to see myself. That is my definition of beauty. I will be beautiful when I have hit rock bottom. From then on, there is only UP. "Maybe, just maybe, I will get Skinnier. Prettier. More Loved. Visibly more confident. Maybe my depression and anxiety will just disappear. Forever. Maybe I will become normal. Happy. If only life actually worked that way." Then I am snapped back into reality. I will NEVER be skinny. Never be pretty. Never be loved. Never be confident. I will always have my demons hanging over my shoulders pushing me deeper and deeper into the water. Forever. I will never be normal. And I will always be UNHAPPY. I have never felt happiness. Only sadness cloaked in endorphins. Sadness is in my DNA. My demons are now a permanent part of me. If I attempt to kill them, it will kill a part of me. Drugs, therapy, everything will just mask the pain and they will come back with a vengeance. Maybe one of these days I can just end it all Permanently. I am one of those who dream of death, but am to PATHETIC to be able to go through with it. So then I am stuck destroying myself slowly and living in constant agony from my own thoughts. I know, I know. Get Help. I don't WANT help. This is a part of me. Always will be. If you don't like it, then I guess you can't handle the truth about me. You couldn't handle any of my secrets. I am so deep that an eternity of going up will not get my any higher. I have tried everything to mask the pain but nothing worked. The PAIN was there with me, making me crazy. Making me "Attention Seeking". I drank my life away for 2 weeks straight. I was drunk every day at school for 2 weeks just trying to make life enjoyable. I was happy, or so I thought. Once I ran out of booze, I returned to the Fat Emo girl I was 2 weeks before. I then recalled all the memories from the past weeks and realized everyone thought I was just seeking attention from people because I was boring. I even had people confront me about it. It hurt- ALOT. this happened once a year for two years. Every year around February-March I would drink my life away. I am PATHETIC thinking that alcohol would help me. I even once tried drinking and driving. I got home fine. Everytime I try something, the outcome is not what I want. "Why can't I go deep enough? Why do stay fat even though I starve myself? Why do my suicide attempts fail? Why am I stuck with the burden of being ME?" I am the epitome of F.A.I.L.U.R.E. The only time I am really "comfortable" being me is in the winter days. Sweatshirts. Long sleeves. Pants. Gloves. Beanies. Anything and Everything to hide myself. I walk around like nothing is bothering me, like I am happy-well at least content. I walk around like I am comfortable being different, being me. But on the inside, I am sinking deeper into myself. Knowing that everyone that looks at me thinks I am a freak. Knowing. "I can see through her façade, her mask." "I know you cry yourself to sleep." "I know you are a pathetic piece of shit that cannot even kill herself like she wants." "She is worthless." "Pathetic." "Suicidal." "EMO." "She cuts herself for attention" "Go kill yourself." " Go blare your EMO music and die." "No one would care if you are alive or dead." "Maybe you will get the attention you are seeking once you are dead." "What the fuck is she wearing? Can she not fit in any REAL clothing?" Wow, a fat ass trying to be pretty, how sad." "She is totally hiding a HUGE secret that really isn't a secret because it is so obvious- CUTTER." I am pathetic. I am not worth it. No human being can handle this level of craziness. No matter how much they try. I will relapse every time I stop. One little argument can throw me over the edge. I deserve desertion, abandonment, being alone. I am a Contagious Virus that will begin to infect your mind from the moment we meet. I will slowly eat at your happiness causing you to begin to see the world as black and white, too. I am Sorry. I have already infected many and have isolated myself to ensure no one else goes crazy. I will never be loved; I do not deserve it. They do not deserve loving such a suicidal girl; it will slowly kill them too. I have been broken and damaged for so longer, I have learned how to survive. I know you will not survive one month. I promise you. When I get to close or  notice a minor flaw, I will fixate on it until I must end it because it is eating away at my insides. I am permanently broken and loving me will make you broken too. I am sorry. Goodbye. For now. Ill post again soon. Live Life for me <3 I love all of you.

Quickly Altering Thoughts

Well, I am at AI right now, bored out of my mind. I still have like alittle under 2 hours until my next class and I am like dying. Well I just finished my algebra course; all I have to do is take the final and I won't ever have to come to school on Thursdays until 2 PM. No more waiting 3 hours between classes. Haha.

 I hate shorts!!!! Ugh they are irritating me!! They keep rising the longer I sit down.. And I ain't even moving... Thus my scars and cuts keep showing. I know no one can see them being they are under a table and no one ever notices me so who cares right? It's all the thought of what if someone does notice and confronts me about it. I don't know what I would do with myself. Would I cry? Yell? Shy away? Stay calm? What? I have only had one person confront me which was my father like years ago... It's kind of sad thinking that I walk around everywhere with my scars on my wrists in full view and no one cares to say anything, which can be a good thing. But like, the are new and I broke a promise to my parents and they normally FREAK out whenever I break a promise... Whatever. It is getting really irritating... My Mood Shifts. They change from happy to depressed in like 2.5 seconds and not even reasonably. Like I will be sitting doing something then next thing I know I am anxious and I have no idea why. Like right now I am typing like really fast because y anxiety is through the roof and I have no idea why!! -Breathe- All I can do but it doesn't help ever.

Ugh.... Why must I have 3 hours between classes and I can't even go home being I live an hour a way so it is a waste of time and gas to drive home and back just to pass time. So I just read my fan fictions, which are quite depressing lately, like conversations of suicide and stuff. It really hits home. Makes me sad really. I also go on Tumblr <3 <3 and facebook :/ just to pass my freaking 3 hours of wastefulness. 

Bye. I have nothing more to say.. *Follow on Tumblr!!!* so ill post again when I have something more interesting to say within the next couple days. <3 Ya my Lovelies.

"See You're Just Wasted, Thinking About the Past Again. Darling, You'll Be Okay." -PTV

So the first "week" of college is now behind me. It was not very good. I felt like an outsider. I knew that I wasn't going to fit in very well, which surprised me. I chose this school thinking that I would probably fit in... But I don't not at all. First class was terrible, already told you about that one. First day of Fundamentals was not very good either. Although I did push myself to talk to this chick in my class. It was nice. We now talk but only in class. Second day started of terrible. I was so tired the night before that I slept through my alarm so I missed my first class which was Culinary Concepts and Theories. So I had to email my instructor to tell him that I am actually in that class... Ugh then it took my like 70 minutes to get to school which was irritating being I only planned for 90 minutes till class started and I still had to get changed at school. Ugh... But luckily Fundamentals wasn't AS bad the second day. I seriously thought I would make friends... I thought wrong- VERY WRONG. I met Wednesday and we have not classes together and we don't talk being she has work and a girlfriend to tend to. Then there is the chick from my Fundamentals class, Kate, and she lives like 3 hours away from me so there is no way we could realistically be friends. I still have my few friends in Escondido but even those friendships are straining. I don't talk to Ash anymore, she has Jacob- her boyfriend. Selina is busy with her whatever she is doing. And Belle, well is being Belle. I don't really talk to Josh anymore being he just is to preoccupied with himself and girls- oh and videogames. I am ALONE, once again. But this time, it is literal not just mentally. My sister now has a laptop too so she just hibernates on that like me( but I am doing school work being it is mostly online). My mother works and has a boyfriend and has friends... I no longer live with my dad but he has dates and friends and vacations to Vegas. I just don't know anymore... I just get the feeling that if I disappeared no one would really notice for a long time. My mother or sister would be the only ones who would notice and by their history, it wouldn't matter much. I swear though, I feel like all the 350+ view are all just click look and bye.. I don't know... I wish I had someone to talk to and share things with-like I do on her but have a receiving end... I don't know.. If school doesn't work out, life probably isn't worth living. School is the only reason I am alive today, which is weird but true. People Leave Me, Break Me, Hurt Me. I Break Me, Hurt Me, Go Crazy. Academics was the only thing that made me feel like I accomplish something because it makes me feel smart and gives me something to focus my broken focus on. I just wish I had someone I can truly put my focus on and not be thrown on the back burner or even in the dumpster for some Plastic Barbie.... God it shows I am so alone that I have resulted to blogging and Tumblr. ( I am not dissing it in any way... It saved my sanity but still) People, busy people, do not have blogs or a Tumblr with 10 followers and 300+ maybe 400+ posts and no one looking at them.. I also have resulted in obsession with fan fiction.. Oh god... I am an adult permanently frozen in teen mentality. I feel like I am ALONE no matter how many people are around me... I just draw, write, and cut my feelings away on my notebook, laptop, and thighs.... Why am I such a lost cause.... Please someone give me something to strive towards... Someone contact me! Show me a little glance of glimmering hope. Some say I am only doing this for attention. For your information, I AM. I want to find someone that understands me and knows that everything I do is secretive because I am so ashamed at everything I have done that I live in a room with no windows or doors and only a noose.
"Some friends, you left me hanging in a room with a noose in a chair.
You told me to stay put and reminded me why I was there.
Cold blooded and misguided, You thought this would be your best,
then you try to hide it"

      
*personal artwork :)

First Day of Another Hell

So I had algebra first. I got to the school at like 7 A.M and just hung out in my car on my laptop till like 7:25 A.M ish. When I got the building where my class was, I headed straight to the bathroom being it was the first door when I entered. I stood in front of the mirror just staring at myself for like 10 minutes because I could not get myself to go to class... I felt like shit. I was alone in that building and look like a fool. So today I wore shorts, my cut up Suicide Silence shirt, combat boots, beanie, checkered scarf and my bracelets with my fingerless gloves- just trying to be me. I finally got the courage to go to class- now 7:35 ish. I sat down in an empty computer, expecting the class to get fuller. Once class started many people walked in but, of course, no one would dare sit next to me. The looked at the seat next to me but then headed to the other seats- like I was contagious. WHY MUST I BE SUCH A FREAK?!?! I just minded my own business the entire class but when I went to ask questions, like how to turn on the very confusing machine, people would just give me attitude. I am once again the outsider, outcast, FREAK... It also doesn't help that I am a newbie... I get lost... ALL THE TIME!!!! I just want today to be over already... It doesn't help that while I was sitting in class my shorts rode up so my fresh cuts could show... SO EMBARRASSING! but I think that no one saw because they could care less about me and my existence. SO yeah I am now sitting in my car like a loner- WOO HOO... You have no idea how much I want to cry. I just cannot get my eyes to shed one tear to release my anger, frustration,..... sorrow. Honestly, I couldn't even get myself to walk through a crowd to get to the student lounge so I just turned myself around and walked back to my car... God my anxiety is so bad that I had 2 hours of light sleep and a half mug of coffee. That is all I have eaten. UGH! now I am freaking out because I have fundamentals next (at 2:45PM) and I just really do not want to go- like AT ALL... Everyone was so excited for me to go to college and have my first day. My mother even said that I will definitely make a friend on the first day... At this rate, I would be lucky enough to just survive the day... Gosh everyone said that I would have fun... It's sad that no one understands that I rarely have fun and ESPECIALLY NOT on the first day of anything.... WOO I just love being a loner... Why can't I live by here so I can just go home? ALONE, by MYSELF, FAT, FREAK... that is how I look right now... What if during my fundamentals I make a fool of myself and people laugh at me like at Esco. I feel like shit- Straight Up. Nuff said. Goodbye for now... Hopefully post again tonight with my final opinions... <3 ya
thanks for caring enough to keep reading my blogs.. Not even my friends really read them.... It hurts when I ask if they read any of them and they just say "No".

Jumping Out of My Skin with Anxiety

Oh my good golly gosh! I start college tomorrow. I am sooo not ready. I am freaking out. I just got out of one hell hole and now I must start in a new one. I guess my main worry is that everyone will be against me like in grade school. It was the worst feeling in the world to be pushed to eat in a classroom with two of my friends that, I guess, just felt sorry for me and had their own problems too. Normal people would be excited to start college because they are their by choice and get to study what they want. Honestly, I guess I kind of want to go back to grade school because I am not ready for responsibility or change. I liked having relatively no choice in classes or when it was and everyone was there. Here, everyone is different. The couple people I did meet do not have any days with me so I am back to square one- ALONE. Just thinking about it makes me want to break down crying. I just hope that the school has WiFi because then I can hide behind my laptop between my classes. God I am so anxious and definitely not in a good way. I feel like I am going to have a panic attack. And have a panic attack just thinking that I could have a panic attack in front of everyone in my new school. Oh god I hate change. I want to be comfortable in a steady unchanging life. WHy does life have to be so complicated? I am going to be alone tomorrow- A.L.O.N.E. all alone... The only thing I am partially excited about is the new selection of boys but I am worried that I will have no chance with any of them like my last school. I am WEIRD, UNATTRACTIVE, MENTALLY UNSTABLE, CRAZY, a FREAK, and last but definitely not least FAT. I will be the outcast at this school to just watch. Oh GOD! I can see it now... Sitting alone, being as silent as a mime, everyone glaring at me as I pass them through the halls, being talked about as I pass them. OH GOD!! Why did I decide to go to college?!?!?! Is it really worth it?? Ooooh nooo. I cannot wear nail polish, earrings (any kind not even plugs), jewelry ( no biggy), also no perfume or scented deo. That's FUCKED up!! UGH... oh well.. not much I can do now.... Goodnight. I plan on updating tomorrow if there is WiFi and I'll let you guys know if I am surviving. Love Ya <3 ;*

Being Defensive for No Reason

Let's just say that I feel like shit. The lowest of the lows. It was nice spending the night at my father's house for the last time for a long time. It was relaxing until they doubt me... Again... Then I get defensive and then I get put down for "being defensive for no reason". I am now back at my mother's house and lets just say I regretted it all day. My mother took my car... Again... without my permission. It irritates the fuck out of me because it is an old car and is really sensitive and if she blows the timing chain I am screwed. She likes to push my baby past its ability and it scares me because that is my only car. Ugh! Let's just say it pissed me off so I have been avoiding my mother all night. I swear she like does not give a fuck about anyone else but herself. She finds it necessary to insult both my sister and I constantly. She tends to call herself fat like three times a day and she knows that we are like twice her size so she obviously knows that it hurts us because she is calling us fat. It hurts me, ALOT. She has been saying that to our faces for years and years. No wonder I grew up with terrible self image issues. Also, all she cares about is her relationship and how many boys find her attractive and she's like 37 not 17. She needs to grow up!!! Fuck!!!!
God! Do you have any idea what it is like to look at food and feel disgusting but still eat it because I have to or my stomach feels like it is caving in. I survive on eating around 1000 calories then burning off 1500 calories. I love seeing my food journal read a negative number, it makes me feel a little better about myself.
So I cannot look at myself in a mirror!!!! Every time I see myself I just want to starve myself just to be pretty. I just want to cut and cut and cut. I want to glide that shiny blade across my thigh and just see the only beautiful thing about me run down my leg. Glistening Red Stream. I feel conflicting thoughts run through my head. I want to be covered in scars, those are the only things that exert beauty on my skin. But the thought that no one will ever love a cutter, especially an unattractive one at that. I just look back at everything I write and I think about how pathetic I sound. A lot of people have it worse than I but I still feel like my life is shit. I know that a part of me wants to get help but then the majority of me thinks that I am unfixable and that everything I do is just a call for attention and a way to cope at nonexistent problems. I don't know what to think anymore. I have kind of given up on everything. Well everything but my schooling because that is the only thing that I have a bit of a chance to be successful.

All in all, I feel numb- dead- if feel nothing just emptiness... I feel that if I disappeared no one would care. I am just DONE with everything.

Fuck

        ...fuck... that is all I can say. Today started off okay, I got a $1000 scholarship from AI for my beautiful cake I made. Then when we had to all file into a hallway was when it turned terrible. My anxiety decided to act up. I wanted to just crawl up into a ball in a corner and cry. People started to get closer and closer and I couldn't take it. So I moved to an empty area and just stood there leaning up against a wall waiting for instruction. Then more people decided to get close again and by this point my heart was racing and I could barely breathe but I didn't show it. We finally were allowed to leave the hallway into the waiting room to see our financial aid officer. It was getting better, I paced around the room a little, well in a circle in a corner. I could not stand all the little kids just staring at me. Excuse me for not wearing a dress and high heels to a 15 minute ceremony... I just wore jean shorts a cut shirt tank top and my lace toms (knock offs). Gosh. An hour went by and my admissions officer saw that I was the last person waiting to get seen, of course I am the last person I always am, and came up to me. I asked why I was the last person and he explained and asked if I had the paperwork he asked me fill out and I said yes. Then came the worst moment of my life, My anxiety was slowly disappearing but when I went to elaborate my answer I started stuttering, OMG I wanted to cry, so I told him I had to get them from my car. I took a walk to my car to get some fresh air. It helped a little. Then from there it was fine being I just had to drive home after I met my officer.
          So I am doing this diet thing called my fitness journal and I actually like it. I log in the food I ate and how much I exercise and it calculates how much more I have to eat or exercise. Well today I was feeling terrible because of the AI thing so I started to exercise, like ALOT. 1 hour then turned into 2 hours. I was playing Sweat Mode on Just Dance 3 because it tires the shit out of me. I then did my calculations for how much calories I burned and it came to be 1,735 calories. I AM SO HAPPY. I have a net calories of -881 for the day :D I am so excited so that means even if I eat just a little, I will still be negative :D I am so excited.
        So I am now cutting a lot less now like I cut yesterday for the first time in like 2-3 days. I have found bruising myself a lot more relieveing because it allows me to release all the anger and pressure that has built up. Yet I took a shower and noticed that I have a mildly blue wrist... :/ awkward. but least my bracelets draw attention else where... Yet I have noticed that I can walk around the house with my latest scars on my wrists showing without my mother noticing :D YAY. hahah.

     God I hate driving with my mother soooo much. I don't like driving with A/C on when it is a nice day out, but when i tell her that she says we aren't even moving. God I am driving and this is my car I will do as I please!... Ugh okay ttyl peace out :)

I'm Lost in the Name of Love

...all night I have been reading fan fiction about Tony Perry in PTV. I LOVE HIM <3

 He is amazing, anyways it got me thinking. I am the biggest failure of all time. I am almost 19 years old. I have never felt love only lust. I have only had like 4 boyfriends.. All in like 2 years. EVER. I haven't had a boyfriend in over a year because people get caught up in drama. They all believe them. I have NEVER held hands with a boy. I have NEVER kissed one. I always end up ending the relationship due to getting to close or fixating on a flaw to the point of annoyance. Why do I have to be so unattractive and FAT?! I am TRYING to lose weight I swear! I am just not losing it fast enough! Remember that friend I mentioned making at orientation? Well, I don't know if she even wants to be my friend. I am ugly, annoying, still a kid, ANNOYING. I understand if she never wants to talk to me or even look at me ever again. She won't be the first. I lay here on my bed thinking,... and thinking,... and thinking. It is so bad for me to sit here and fester on the smallest thoughts, let alone that god damn voice. Ugh! What if college is a whole new high school? But this time I start off with not a SINGLE friend. Just thinking about that makes me feel like I am going to have a panic attack on the first day... I wonder if they have a counselor like other colleges? Hmm. Not like I would see one or anything but just as a precaution. IDK. You know how much pain I am in right now? I just will sit there and truly consider downing that bottle of pills just to end it all. No more fatness. No more cravings. No more failing others and myself. No more worries. No more voice. No more pain. No more anxiety. No More Suffering. It would all be gone. Forever. It's not like I have a reason to live or anything. Anyways my mother is considering having another child so that can replace me so there is no reason to even exist anymore. All I want to do is slice every inch of my body then see if my emotions are still there because if they are, life is not worth it anymore. Pain is part of my DNA. I want my DNA removed and replaced with someone skinny, happy, and outgoing. WHY must I be a god damn ugly fat freak?! AHHHHHHH!!!

Fan Fiction+Stress=Unpredictable

Lately, I have found bruising myself a lot more comforting and helping me release pressure. I do miss cutting myself, it has been two days, but every time I go to do it I just feel like falling asleep because I am so stressed and emotionally drained forever. We will see how long that will last.
These last few days I have been reading this fan fiction on www.piercetheveilfanfiction.com and I am addicted to the story just like everything else. It is called Cesar Antonio Perry Soto. Now if only she wrote the chapters faster so I don't have to wait the continue reading. I get so jealous of the main girl because she is dating Tony <3. Yeah so you guess should check it out if you love PTV too! It is good, besides the fact that it is pretty bad when it comes to punctuation, wording, misspellings, etc. But it is still a comprehensible story.
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New Chapter in My Ongoing Stuggles

Today, I am officially a freshman in college :0 It is scary knowing that everything academically I have ever learned in grade school is not really applicable to my major, it only applies to my general ed. Anyways, orientation today was both cool and boring as fuck. Well, I met a couple people, 2 to be exact. One is 20 gunna be 21 and the other was 27. The 20 year old is named Wednesday, I can now say I know a person named that x), she is also going for a Baking & Pastry degree like me. We actually have quite a bit in common. It was kind of scary for me because I have never had someone like A LOT of the same things. We both love Adventure Time (but who doesn't?). We both are obsessed with Doctor Who. We both love SWS and PTV along with other bands. TUMBLR!!!!!  Hmm there is more I just can't think of it at the moment. We talked A LOT. It was cool getting to know her. Let's just see if we have at least one class together this quarter, if not maybe the next one. She's cool I would hang out with her. The 27 year old was named Ashley and she has two daughters, one is 2 years old and the other is 5 months old. Her husband is in and out of jail a lot so she has basically adopted his two other children. She is enrolled in Culinary Arts; we may end up getting a class together I don't know. She is one that is nice to talk to but I don't think we could really hang out because we have such different lifestyles but it was fun talking with her at orientation. Yeah well I officially have a new nickname being I am starting at a new school and I know NO ONE- which is nice so I can restart my rep over again. It is Shawnee xD I love that name; it is a little weird being I had  girl in my class last year named that but who the fuck cares I will never see her again. YAY! haha The only thing that sucked was there was like long periods of walking then REALLY long periods of sitting and listening to speakers :/ talk about boring... It sucks because I am not able to wear perfume, nail polish, and not even small EARRINGS into my lab classes :/ Ugh oh well price I got to pay right? to be professional. Well I got my supply kit and uniforms lets just say DAMN it was heavy and expensive. $775. 0.o yay grants and scholarship. haha yep OH one last thing on this topic- they have MINTS in the bathrooms :D yay clean breathe! ahah
So I kept getting this feeling that I will not be capable of keeping friends, like grade school. What if I can't make friends? What if I can't find a decent guy? I will live a life of solitude and blogging.... God, I am going to be forever alone. I still have never kissed a guy and I am almost 19 FUCKING years old!!!! Why must I be so fat and unattractive an repulsive?!?! I just wish I can say I have felt love and experienced it... I just don't know if can or will even have the chance to. I honestly thought that when I walked into orientation I would see at least one attractive person.. NONE. ZIP. ZERO. NADA. NOTHING. NIEN. It was very disappointing, yet I did strut around that campus like I was confident because I want people to see what I actually wish I could be. Well I am FUCKED FOREVER.                                            Me=Forever Alone
Ya so my temporary blackouts/zonings are getting worse and worse each passing day. Today I was playing Wii as a form of my exercise program and next thing I know I blinked and I saw that I was playing a perfect score on the baseball one... I don't even remember hitting the second ball... I kind of got worried but just overlooked it. Then, like not even ten minutes ago, I was looking for my metal tweezers then I blink and I am banging them into the wop of my wrist leaving bruises and punching it... IDK why I would do that... Oh.. I was reading fanfiction and it was one on a girl that falls in love with Tony Perry <3 (PTV-guitarist) and he loves her back and stuff so maybe that caused my sef conscience/that god-damn voice in my fucking disturbed of a mind I have. I swear I don't even remember writing half this stuff I am writing right now... It is like just spoken to me and I type, like right now I am thinking of what to write but there is this fucking asshole voice that keeps making me lose my train of thought...!! D:< UGH!!!!!!! WHY do I hate myself so much? Everyone always tells me that I am not fat, yet them NEVER have told me I am skinny (maybe that's why idk). Lately the ONLY compliments I get are for my hair.. It's like of course my hair is cool and pretty, That you can change in two hours.. Being skinny, beautiful, irresistible, and perfect takes from birth. I will NEVER be any of those things because I was not born close to any of them. God I feel like shit. I haven't cut in two days.. yay.. I eat under 1000 calories a day and burn off at least 300a day from exercise... Why can I not lose weight faster.. I just wish I could find someone that gives me a reason to move on in life and someone for me to fall back on when I am falling hard. </3 Oh well..Imma go cut the living shit out of myself- not really. But I do feel like I could get shot right now and I wouldn't care if I died. Goodnight.

Girl, Interrupted with Headaches and Stomach Pains

Today, I officially moved out of my childhood house.. It was heartbreaking. I have lived there since I was 1 years old. I now live with my mother permanently. It hurts, ALOT! I have like 5 large boxes in my tiny ass room that was meant to be an office. its like a 10x10 room. And now my mother wants me to buy myself a mini fridge and I HAVE NO room to put it or any free outlets. D:< She irritates me soooo much! UGH! So this morning I saw my father for the first time in two weeks. It was nice to see him, then 10 minutes passed and I wanted to strangle him. He flips out about the littlest things. Like I left my cereal bowl on the table that I was going to clean when the next T.V. commercial was on. ugh.. Oh well... So I moved all my stuff to my mother's house- that was soo much work trying to get all my crap to fit in my tiny car, I left ALL my stuffed animals there :( I love those. I was on Tumblr for like 3 hours xD and I kept seeing posts about a movie called Girl, Interrupted. I then looked it up and watched it. I LOVED IT!! <3 One of the best movies. I recommend you watch it! It is about a girl that checks into a mental institution in the 1960's.

Yep.... So apparently I am unable to "think outside the box".. That is quite painful because I believe I am very creative. :'( Well.... I am now able to walk around public with not hiding my scars on my wrist :) well as long as my family is not around x) I feel so proud of myself. I had my scars in full view until my mother came home and I ran into my room to cover them up xP. So close haha.

Well it hurts when I sit here and over think everything and begin to think that I TRULY cannot feel anything other than pain, sorrow, embarrassment, and numbness... I haven't felt true happiness in years! I wish that I could just get a boyfriend that would take away all my worries and sorrow forever! </3 But I know that won't happen... I am incapable of feeling love. I don't even feel true like love for my family members- It sucks. I think I am starting to develop an eating disorder like no joke O.o I'm scared. Every time I go to eat a piece of food in my mouth, I just wanna like throw it away and never eat a piece of matter again. I want to be like model thin. Have curves in all the right places. Have average size boobs. Have a gap between my thighs. Have my hips slightly stick out showing I have a flat stomach. Wear a size 0 pants and small shirts. I feel like shit every time I look in the mirror, like a fat ass that everyone looks at and thinks "Eww, She should stop eating- for like FOREVER!" Everywhere I go I am judged and looked at funny for how I look. FAT and have colored hair. Everyone that has colored hair now a days are super skinny and perfect!! </3 WHY CAN"T I BE 100lbs!!!!!! not overweight... I HATE MYSELF like more than anyone could hate me... I know it isn't healthy but I can't help it. I have all the reason in the world to hate myself. I have always grown up hating myself even when I was like 5 years old. I have always seen myself as fat and ugly... Over the years though, it has gotten so bad that I started to hurt myself. 8th Grade was the first time, well subconsciously. I used to carve hearts into my hands using pencils then putting sharpie into the wound to make it sting and try to make it a tattoo... :/ oh well I guess I have my reasons.
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