It took time. I bled today just to relieve the growing tension in my body. It helped but not a lot. I cut larger than I normally do, not deeper but longer. I took up my entire width of the two from yesterday. I think the tension started growing when I finished writing this morning; it also continued when I was searching for pictures on Google and triggering pictures popped up. Me being me, I did not scroll away I just continued to look. I think that anything that brings scarring into my mind is triggering. Just typing this out makes me want to cut. If I could, I would cut like once every hour or so but I know that that isn't realistic. Now that I am getting farther up my wrist, I am contemplating cutting on the top side of my arm. I know it would b more visible but at least I could still hide it. So when I was cutting, it took like twice as long to get even any visible mark. IT DIDN'T EVEN BLEED. That pissed me off because that is half of what I look for to receive satisfaction. There was not red running down my arm; there was barely any red along the wound itself. I couldn't go deep. I will probably do it again being I did not receive any satisfaction beside the thought that it will be a beautiful scar. I get the tingling just thinking that it will be a scar. When I see peoples arms covered in scars, I get jealous almost. They have stories to tell and have gone through feelings that I have. I am just getting lightheaded just thinking about it. I just want someone to love me for me, scars and all. I want someone that will understand my pain and will do their best to prevent it, not just tell me I am overreacting. I hope one day I will be able to show someone that I am stronger than most, I just dealt with the feelings longer and had to find a way to let it out before I exploded. Obviously I have already exploded and now has possible disorders that have appeared over the past 3 years. Why did Josh have to tell me that I need to stop self diagnosing myself? I know what I have! It's so obvious...I have almost EVERY symptom even though you only need to have like 3. I KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT! He may not know what his problem is, but I sure as hell know what I have. Anyone who looks up Borderline Personality Disorder will see everything that I feel and do.. He should be agreeing with me because he witnessed first hand that if I am friends with someone for to long I begin to push them away. I push them away to prevent them from abandoning me, just like all my friends in the past. GOD I want to cut again SOO bad. I just want my arm to be messy; messy without any needed medical attention. I just want BLOOD. That is all I crave right now. Oh! And Scars... a lot of them too.
Not shortly after I wrote the above section, I chose to bleed. Bad decision to outsiders but a reasonable one to the insiders. My mother decided to say that we were eating at David's house, her "boyfriend", and said I didn't have to go. But in reality I had to in order to eat legit food. Anyway, I decided to go even though I would rather have stayed home. So on the way there the topic of jobs came up. I told her I was going to apply for Vons in their bakery section. It then faded to the choice of what I plan on wearing for the interview. I told her I was just going to wear one of my lacy tops and black jeans because that is dressy casual. She then like flipped out saying that that is not appropriate and I should dress like normal people, pencil skirt and a blouse top. I told her that I wore that outfit to every ceremony I have gone to. She then said that it was NOT the same, that this was about jobs not receiving a damn award. It hurt like ALOT! I should be able to wear what I want because I am the one going to the interview not her. WHY do I have to be so different and like take things so personally and seriously. She probably did not mean it like that but it FUCKING hurt. I felt like crying but I knew I can't because I would be "overreacting". I didn't cut after that because we were at his house. I eat 1 hamburger and that's it. Least I have eaten like almost ever. Ever sense my cutting started up, I have lost a bit of weight- not a pant size yet but I am getting there :D- and my appetite has shrunk to almost nothing. Being I am already fucked up, I kind of wish I had an eating disorder to lose weight being I am fat and like the fattest person in my family. I just want to be a size small. Small boobs, tiny legs, flat flat stomach, and NORMAL or at least look sexy in my "emo" clothing. God Damn!! I wish I would die and be reincarnated as a skinny twig just so I know what it is like to be able to wear whatever the fuck I want and still look AMAZING. UGH!!!!! Maybe even then I could get a fucking sexy ass boyfriend. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
T-T WHY MUST I BE AN UGLY ASS BOWL OF FLAWS that no one will ever love? I am like one of the misfit toys on Rudolf but I will be one of the ones under snow that will never be found and loved. I just want to die so I never have to see my ugly fat body ever ever again. I just will never have a legit reason to die. Everyone will see it as a way of attention. In my life right now, my only bully is myself but over the years people have convinced me I am worthless and I am an attention whore who will do anything for attention. Maybe I do. I keep repeating the video to The Way She Feels by Between the Trees. This video makes me cry like explode. I fits my life soo much it is sickening. I wish this song would play forever. I have known this song for so long and normally I get bored of a song after a week of listening to it on repeat but this song can be on repeat for like ever and I would always cry and enjoy every word ever said. Imma bleed now, goodbye.
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