Skinny Here I Come!

BTW THIS IS AN OLDER POST... idk why it posted it again tonight.... :/

So let's just say that today was a TERRIBLE day. I am not gunna deny anything or not include something because I am ashamed because this is my journal so I must be honest. I guess I should just come out with it because it is so difficult for me to say. I came one foot away from attempting suicide. No joke. I just felt like shit and my house is full of mirrors and every time I walked by one I just could see all the fat and ugliness on my body. It also doesn't help that I have college orientation tomorrow and I wanna look attractive and I know I cannot be. It hurts. ALOT. I tried on a couple outfits and I felt DISGUSTING in every single one. I still haven't picked out an outfit. Also, I had a panic attack while trying to organize my room because I just moved all my things into this tiny room. I guess I just got worked up and started to freak out. Hyperventilation. Shaking. Crying. Everything. Luckily, it did not last very long after I got a glass of water. But then 5 minutes later, it came back with a vengeance. I was in my mother's bathroom closest looking for something. I don't know what though, I was kind of drawn there by my self conscience. When I opened the door,I just burst into tears. Next thing I know I am rummaging through all her medicine/vitamin bottles. I found many things but like they wouldn't do much damage, like "acid reducers" and crap like that. Then I found a pain relief bottle that read do not take more than 3 a day. I then knew that was the one. I crumpled to the floor just staring at the bottle. I shut the door behind me, even though I was home alone. I opened the bottle and just stared, really STARED, at the pills. There weren't many in there, maybe 10-15, but enough to do the trick, I think. I sat alone in that closet and just STARED for what felt like forever. My mind kept telling me, "Do it! You are worthless! No one wants you here. You are better off dead" and more damaging things. Yet my arms just couldn't move. I couldn't get myself to do it. A few minutes later, it ended. I got myself to my feet and put it back and walked out. I had many thoughts running through my brain, like "Tell Joshua that you almost offed yourself and that you want help" but there is always that voice that talks over my thoughts and says things like, "You don't want help, you just want attention. Plus, you love cutting yourself and do you really want to look like a crazy person." OMG! I cannot think right now, THAT FUCKNG VOICE JUST WON'T GO AWAY! ugh! anyways... -.- I cannot think.... Umm.. Oh! Well, because I like to think about how much I eat everyday, I decided to keep a food journal and write down all that I eat and its calories. It was going great till I added up the calories and I felt like a fucking failure. All I ate today was cool whip, cantaloupe, a monster, water, and tater tots and chicken fries with ketchup (because my mother was watching). It came out to 800 calories. O.o eww!! That is a lot of weight I am not losing! So then I saw this calorie counting website that helps you lose weight fast, so I joined. I put in all my info and put down the amount of exercise I did today and calculated the calories lost. Well with this website/app, you are supposed to eat the amount of calories burned to equal it out but I don't so I felt amazing seeing the negative 1,100 calories that still need to be eaten tonight- that I won't. :D I felt awesome and excited for it to be August because by then I am to have lost over 15lbs :D Yay!! Skinny here I come! Hmm.... So yeah.. I cannot think right now- stupid fucking voice! I really just want it to SHUT UP NOW.. ugh Go the fuck away! Yeah so nothing really new.... OH! (it haad to be brought up *sarcastically spoken*) So I am now keeping a tally mark chart for all the times I have ever cut. I am at 135 and rising- well that are either visible scars (right upper arm, left wrist, thigh) or from pictures (left wrist) because it is now covered by a tattoo and I haven't cut there in like 1.5 years so they are like almost completely faded/gone. yepp... OMGF!!! Why do I have to get 1 fucking GINORMOUS zit the day before I get my picture taken for my I.D?!?! EVERY TIME!!...Did you know that playing Wii burns calories? And cleaning my room for 2 hours? That was all the exercise I needed for my daily exercise! Yet for some fucking reason my crunches did not count as a calorie burner... :(( I did like 300... damn... But I'll keep doing them to get muscles haha. Ya so I am now jabbering on about nothing because my crazy fucking voice has left me for now... Good night Lovelies <3 Life Long and Live Strong!... and perfect tehe ;D

Midnight Symphony (Trigger Warning)

I sat on the side of the cold tub thinking... crying. "Why am I like this?", I thought to myself. I then reach for my red makeup bag. I unzip it and rummage through it searching for something in particular. I find it. My best friend. My only hope. My blade. She isn't as sharp as she once was. She grew closer to her end. She will soon be replaced by a fresh one. No more blood stains on this one- a clean slate. I pull up the leg of my shorts and take one more deep breathe followed by a deep sigh. I press it along my leg, but not drawing much blood. I run her over the same line again and again until I see a dark red line appear on my leg. I grab my already blood-stained towelettes and remove the blood. I then move my razor to start another line next to the last one, yet this one is not as long being a past scar is blocking the path. I trace the line over and over until the same red line appears and wipe it clean. I am now feeling compulsive to do more. I comply. I move to the inner part of my thigh. I press firmly down and gliding her in a line. Blood does not rise. Growing angry. I draw the line over and over until I wince when I slice to fast. Not very deep but enough to finally draw blood. I grab my towelette and trace the line gathering up the remaining blood. I then sit there knowing I cannot do more, but I have the NEED to continue. Just sitting there. Blade in one hand, nothing in the other. Just sitting there unable to move anything except my eyes. The only thing I feel is tingling in my fingertips. I only hear a deep ringing in my ears and a faint heartbeat that I wish would just stop forever. I am eventually able to get my body to respond again. I wipe off my blade and returning her to the cartridge I removed her from then place that and the towelette back into my makeup purse for safe and convenient keeping. I stand up and immediately am confronted with my biggest trigger- My Reflection. I feel as though she taunts me every morning, day and evening. Telling me that I am fat, ugly, worthless. There she was doing it again just to make me worse. "Helpme." That is all. I am unable to receive it but I know I want it. Deep deep down. I know that if I make it, I will have wished that I stopped sooner before I completely ruin my body- my horrific body. At some points I just wish that I could literally CUT off all my fat. Then maybe I will be desirable to people. Pretty enough. Skinny Enough. Funny enough. Good enough. That is all I ever want. To be GOOD ENOUGH.


-this is what happens.
-sorry I haven't posted in a long while. I have been busy doing school work and being a failure. I have been meaning to post but I just kept getting distracted. Sorry. Hope you are all doing well. Love ya <3