FAKE is the new PRETTY

I have stopped cutting my wrists... Yay right? Wrong. Well kind of... Because it is becoming to difficult to hide my scars the higher up my forearm they go, I have stopped cutting there. But I have started cutting on my upper thigh. I can use my right hand again -yay using my left was difficult and sloppy- and it is easy to hide even when I wear shorts. Plus I am not in risk of hitting a vein :D haha. Anyways, idk if it is my hormones or my disorders getting worse with stress but I am now crying again and cutting longer and deeper than a week ago. Outside people would see me as a successful young lady who dresses like I am 16 and has everything going good for my future- which is wrong... sort of. I should not be crying of sadness right now. I got a CalGrant and am a finalist for my portfolio scholarship through my college; that is so much to be happy for right now but I am unable to feel joy. My stress is through the roof thinking that what if what I am going to college for I lose interest and wasted money or what if I fail. Also I am required to wear a uniform so there is no jewelry- everyone will see my scars and immediately judge me. What if I end up not making any friends or they treat me like I am fragile? I just want to be normal and treated normal- like a threat because I am so talented. Ugh! All I can think about right now is everything negative someone has ever said about me. FAKE. EMO. WANNABE. FREAK. WORTHLESS. SELFISH. LOSER. PATHETIC. FAT. UGLY. WEAK. I am not able to fixate on the words that I have once been called.. pretty. beautiful. PERFECT. talented. smart. awesome hair xP. But all these (except the last) I am not able to grasp or even begin to comprehend. All my life I compared myself to my cousin. She was skinnier, prettier, smarter, more POPULAR. Her first "boyfriend" was in second grade. My first boyfriend was sophomore year... And I had to ask the person out... My cousin NEVER once had to do the asking. By that time I was super shocked when he said yes because all my life I had to ask a guy to a dance or movie and I ALWAYS got rejected. Then after him, I only dated people that I met online. What a failure!! I will always never love someone like a regular person. I don't even know what it feels like to truly love someone... I've had crushes and that is all they ever were. I honestly don't know what to expect if someone were to ever -EVER- ask me out. Like I don't know if I could ever truly love someone like normal people can. I feel like I will always be hesitant and untrusting. But I guess all I can do is wait and see if I will ever love. So today I finally built up the courage to chop all my nails off.. No more nail digging for me :D It is so difficult to do anything. I only got nubs x) ahaha. Yet -there is always a 'yet' because I trade off things/habits- I do hit myself enough times to bruise myself. It is better than nail digging though. Nail digging left scars; my hands are now faintly polka dotted. Bruising is not permanent and goes away within a 1-2 weeks. But my cutting is getting worse.. longer deeper that is all I can fixate on now... I LOATHE MYSELF!!! I have hated myself for sooo long that I don't even know what it is like to feel confident in anything I wear or even say. Be thankful that I am chicken.. I have contemplated suicide many times. I think that I will always feel like it is the only way to not feel like I am always falling in a dark abyss every time I wake up. SUICIDE. The main thing that stops me from doing it every time is knowing that everyone that somehow loves me will suffer and I know that my mother's anxiety will go out of control and my sister will have to deal with her psycho ass. Well Good bye. Live on till next time my Lovelies.
Sorry if I keep boring you guys with my drama... best way for me to let it out.

My Story Called "The Ugly"

I said I would publish the encounter with my alcoholic stepfather, we here it is.. Goodluck :P

Have you ever heard a question that just brought back a memory you hate to think about? I have. It was Valentine's Day, and it was the One Billion Rising event. We were all sitting in a courtyard listening to speakers talk about their experiences with rape and abuse; a very sensitive subject for all. Then they played a tape for two young children calling 911 and asking why their dad is hitting their mother. I could hear them all crying, and then the phone cut out. That brought me back to the scariest moment of my life. This is one of the four memories I can recall from my high school experience. There is only one word to describe it - Ugly.
It was an average Thursday in July that consisted of nothing but chores, or so I thought. My sister and I were hanging out on our old withered hammock, and my mother and stepfather were unloading large bags of animal feed into the grey plastic tack shed. All of a sudden the hammock snapped, we both fell fast into the dirt and were now stuck in the jumbled mess of rope. While laughing and trying our hardest to get out, we heard the adults arguing like always so we just ignored it. Then we heard our stepfather yell, "Girls! Come help your mother!" Kind of confused, we reluctantly headed down towards them. As we drew closer, I noticed my mother had dusty tears on her face and was now yelling at us to get into her navy blue Ford F250. We did as she said, being she was angry, and we did not want to make it worse. Then she quickly climbed into the driver seat and sped off across our property, spewing chucks of dirt and dust at my stepfather. As we held on for our lives, she drove furiously to the front driveway of our house. Once we had stopped and the dust finally caught up to us, my sister and I asked, "What happened?" and, "What's going on?" As we were rushed inside, my mother told us that he was drunk once again and making crazy accusations. Because my stepfather was still outside, my mother called our 5 larger dogs inside, being she does not trust him with them; now we had 6 dogs inside causing mayhem. Thinking it was all over, I decided to try and get my mind off what just happened and made myself a rapid repast. By the time I finished, all the dogs were sleeping and occasionally sitting at my feet begging for food. Then it all truly started. My stepfather headedly rushed into the house, yelling and followed my mother into their bedroom and closed their white door fast resulting in a large "bang!" I could hear the yelling of statements and names he was calling her that really infuriated me, but I tried to ignore it. Then I started to hear banging behind that door and then I started to hear glass objects being thrown, silencing the already quiet house with crashes. Feeling furry masses lean against my legs, I looked down and saw all 6 of my dogs at my feet in fear of the din behind that devilish door. I hind of cracked a smile because that was the first time all the dogs came to me at once. By this time in the situation, I see my sister at the gateway to hell, knocking and screaming for my mother to come out. We both were extremely worried, but I knew there was nothing I could do but wait. Then finally the door opens with my mother exiting and comforting my sister. My mother attempts to send her to her room to keep her out of the situation, yet she did not obey. My weeping sister ran over to me, and I caressed her, trying to comfort her, and constantly repeating "She can take care of herself. She is a big girl." I was still trying to convince myself that she will be fine. The arguing continued behind that sinister door, while I just stood there in the once peaceful kitchen listening, imagining and trying not to cry. "I have to be strong... For my mother and my sister," I kept repeating to myself. Then my mother comes rushing, more like stomping, out of the room and behind her came my infuriated stepfather. I then notice something glistening red on his forehead; it is blood, not a lot but enough to notice. I quickly glance into their room and see a hole in their wall and thinking to myself, "Was that from his head or his fist?" I do not know and honestly could care less, as long as he kept his hands off my mother. Next thing I know, my mother is on the ground, like she was shoved and clambered to stand upright again. She was crying, and I wish I could help, but I was still standing there like a concrete statue, helpless and permanently there. He dashed to the door and my mother followed. I was now at he kitchen window, watching them like a hawk stalking its prey. They continued to argue outside, but there was no violence. He threatened to call the cops on her, and she let him. My mother subsequently went back inside and locked himself outside. 5 minutes later, two cop cars pull up outside; "Finally!" I thought to myself. One handcuffed my stepfather and shoved him into the car banging my stepfather's head on the doorway. That made me so happy. I thought I would not be able to smile, but I did. The other officer came inside and did some questioning and took some pictures. Inside that room were broken furniture dispersed everywhere and holes in walls, luckily my mother only had a few bruises from flying wood. Lastly, they confiscated his two guns; thank god he was too drunk to remember where they were. The one thing that will always make me tick is when the officer told us, "He will be in jail for the night to sober him up." Keep him forever please! I never want to see his face again. I will always remember the worst 45 minutes of my life.
If I were to redo this type of situation, I would definitely change everything I did and did not do. I probably would have called the cops earlier in the situation, because the cops would have responded faster and would have been more forceful with him, even though they did shove his face into the patrol car. Also, if I would have called, in the domestic violence report, it would say that a minor called on him, thus making it even more serious. I wish I had said something to him instead of being silent and statue-like. One thing I do not regret is comforting my sister. That was the first time ever that I truly felt that if anything happened to her, I could not go on. Even though we fight constantly, I do love her.

Life Quote: "Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass... It's about learning how to dance in the rain."

No Tears Left to Cry

Today was like any other boring day. Watching T.V. Dying of the horrific heat. Then 6:30 PM came along. My mother was finally back in town. I thought it would enjoyable and nice catching up a little. I thought wrong. It started off well; I told her about the things I did with my friends. Then I said something that she disagreed with- this is where every conversation I have with her goes awry. Whatever her opinion is, everyone- I mean EVERYONE- must think the same thing. I think that the foster care program is "sensitive" thing because so many children get mistreated in this program because the adults are only in it for the money and the children get neglected. I know this because I know a few people who have been through that situation before. My mother believes that that is a lie just because she knows a couple people who foster children and are nice and caring. Well did she even begin to think about all the other people who aren't caring and nice? NO. But, because that is what she believes I must believe it or she will just tell me I am wrong and I don't know anything about anything in this world. Which is bullshit being that I cannot believe what I want to believe openly. Or I get shut down and told I don't understand anything because I am a teenager and I only follow the fad. OMFG I am almost 19 years old, I have know quite a few people in this world and many of them have had tough experiences that I know about. So I know what I am talking about- well at least a little bit to know this. Gosh I know it has only been about a week, but I really miss my father. He is in Wisconsin until Sunday but next week I am moving out if that house and into my mother's because it is a lot closer to my college. College is going to be so stressful being that my mother now has a new boyfriend so she will probably leave me to care for all her fucking animals. I JUST WANNA MOVE OUT OF THIS HOUSE SOO BAD. I never realized that even though me and my father always argued, we are almost exactly the same. We both lack emotions, we both are very mellow, want what we want, a little stingy x), etc. It is going be so difficult not seeing him as much anymore and being stuck with this controlling bitch. Now that she is no longer with my alcoholic stepfather she thinks she can act however she wants. She doesn't understand she still has my little sister to have to look after, and how is she going to be able to do that when she is sleeping over at her new boyfriend's house every night. I know that me and my sister don't show it, but I know that we haven't had the closure need to move past the terrible things that have happened when my mother is off sleeping with men. Maybe I am looking to far into things but I never really processed the fact that I am going to miss my stingy goofball of a dad so much that just thinking about it makes me cry the tears that I no longer have had in years. I have cried so much over the years that I no longer can cry so this is a big deal. I used to cry so much when I watch movies or shows and see someone live happily ever after. I would just sit there and cry knowing that I have a good chance of never finding my true love because I don't even know what love is and that any kind of compassion that is expressed I immediately push that person away. Tonight I watched Pocahontas and Pocahontas II and I just sat there thinking that I will never be loved that much or wanted that much and that used to bring me to tears every time I thought about it. Over the years, I get the feeling of internal pain so much that my eyes are used to it so they no longer cry, but when thinking that I am trading my loving, yet annoying, father for my controlling close minded mother. I sure hope I find people at this college that love me for me and can help me escape this hell hole of a house. I LOVE YOU DADDY, if you ever get to read these, I am sorry for being a disappointment and making life so difficult for you. I Love You and I Always Will.     I haven't cried this much in over 2 years, even through abuse I haven't cried this much. Love hurts so much more than knowing that I will forever be damaged and mentally ill. Anyways sorry for the sob story. Goodnight Lovelies! Live Strong and Live Long.<3

Busy with Damaging Urges

Been spending three days with my friend Selina, it has been fun and uneventful at the same time. Ha. Today, we went to the mall and saw Monster U. It was okay not as good as the original of course haha. Anyways, even though i have been busy the entire time so far, the urges to cut myself have gotten even stronger than before. I have not cut for 2 days now and I have a feeling I will relapse today. I shouldn't say that, but I honestly really wanna bleed... Ugh I feel like crap saying that but it's true. So I truly like cutting my upper thighs better than my arms because I bleed more and the pain is constant being it is thinner skin and when it touches something it stings amazingly. Hmm i got major pyschological issues which isn't a suprise.
Well yay me! Haha. I didn't cut myself tonight :D Also I have improved; I have not hidden my scars/wounds from Selina:). It is easiest if I just ignore them and that way I don't look suspicious and the topic isn't ever brought up. :) I wish I could act this way around everyone and not have them gaulk at me. Gosh I am sad now :(. Anyways, I somewhat know how I used to feel when I did not have these bittersweet scars. Hm well I am going to sign off for tonight. Good night my lovelies and live on to see another day.

Regret in New Places

I Don't Know. I get his feeling that you guys reading my blog probably think I am writing this just to get attention. Or at least I am seeking attention. Well to get things straight, I am, in a way, looking for attention, more in a way of looking for someone that I can truly connect with. I have my few friends that know I self harm but they don't TRULY get me. My friend Belle gets my feelings, but she is in the middle of her own crisis and doesn't understand the true urge and release I get from cutting. Well... I hope that you all do not see me as attention seeking person. I just feel that blogging allows me to release how I feel without burdening people with my problems when they don't care. Here, at least, I have readers that somewhat are "interested". Anyways... Now onto my problems. Woohoo.. Well being that I haven't cut in a few days (I think- I am nocturnal so I sleep during the day so my days are off) and my urges were terrible today... Luckily I held off. I hate being a "cutter" ( if that is what category I fall under) I want to cut every second of the day even if there is no reason to want to. Even if I am happy I still get the urges. If I look at anything that says CUT on it I get the urge. Anything that symbolizes my deep feelings I get the stupid sensation. I love it but it just makes each passing minute difficult. Just writing this makes me wanna cut and I already cut today- like a little bit ago- only 1 major problem. I am getting farther up my wrist to the point of harder concealing and I cut in another place... AND I LIKED IT 0.0 that's the problem... I cut on my upper thigh. I forgot how much you bleed when you first cut somewhere with thin skin. I didn't even cut deepish at all and it was bleeding a lot and it kind of seeped a red line in my pajama shorts :(. oh well... Sooo nothing that exciting happened today being I woke up at 2 PM and just watched a P.L.L Marathon all "day/night". haha I love that show xD. I also like the new show Twisted. It is really good. Check it out if you already haven't. Okay peace out my lovelies <3

I.D.G.A.F

 

Today I woke up at 1:30 PM again. Haha . So I think my insomnia is coming back... I can stay up till 6 am then I will finally fall asleep. I can even stay up days at a time. It is like 4 AM and my mind is still so alert. I don't know what to do. Luckily, nothing triggered me to cut today/yesterday. My only problem was that I dyed my hair and my sister was home being a pest like always. I always wear long sleeves at home so I don't look to suspicious wearing arm warmers 24/7. Well, I went to rinse my hair in the kitchen sink, being it is the only sink that isn't white, and she followed me and just watched me. She really needed to leave. I wanted to pull up my sleeves because they were getting in the way and getting wet, but she would not go away. Ugh! so I had wet sleeves for like an hour.. It sucked. WHY she got to be so annoying?!?! Also, my mother went to her boyfriends house again today to "watch a movie". It is getting really annoying because she just him this morning because he slept over last night AGAIN. She stays up really late just to see him, yet complains EVERY fucking morning about being tired. If you're tired, go to sleep EARLIER instead of seeing your boy toy one night. Ugh, she irritates me. She is acting just like a teenage girl and she's like 38 years old. GROW THE FUCK UP! I am more mature than her. All she does is talk about him.. It's like I DONT GIVE A FUCK! ugh... So I have been listening to music for 8 hours now... Gosh I love music!! <3<3 So I am going to add some more music to the list to the left.. Look them up they are all so good! I listen to them when I am feeling down and struggling with urges, they help! Plus most have good/interesting beats. ^.^ Leave a comment if you know of any other good songs that have to do with self harm, depression, suicide, etc. ;) thanks Good night! Well for you guys. I can't sleep....

Dreams of Scary Thoughts

So last night I had like multiple dreams like ALOT being I did sleep for like 13 1/2 hrs. Anyways, I remember the first dream very well. It was very vivid but like all dreams I am unable to remember the origin of the chase and many important details to the plot. So it was my two friends, Ashley and Selina, and I running furiously away from SWAT and the cops. We started off at school and ended up running and climbing through houses and over fences.. a lot of fences. Then somehow we ended up in a room of a second story building shooting some guy but there was some guy in the room saying he would take the blame. But for some strange reason we, stupidly, decided  to double back a different path to end up back at the school to run the other direction. Half way back we see SWAT searching one of the buildings we crawled through. One of them saw us hiding in a gathering of small trees, so points at us and starts to head towards us. Then the most confusing part, we just act casual and start walking towards them like no big deal. That is where that one dream ends. That is were I woke up and decided to go back to sleep for a couple more hours of sleep. This dream was supposedly the beginning to the other dream. I was in a medium sized square classroom; it was stuffy with no outside light shining through the windows being they are covered with dark curtains. I was standing at the door but then realized I had no idea of what desk was mine, like I completely forgot. So I saw an empty desk in the middle of the room and decided to sit there but oddly there was no desks in front or behind that desk. Then something happened that I am unable to recollect but their was a male teacher that I was talking to about something. Then it randomly switched to a female teacher that I had so much anger for, even though I have no idea why. I punched her so hard in the face that she flew backwards. Once she was on the ground, I started to kick her repeatedly in the stomach and face. At that moment, I began to run; run like I was about to die but technically I was running away from cops- AGAIN. So then I ended up doing the same route as before but there was no killing a man or turning back, but instead we crossed a large street to another large gathering of trees. This is were I was hiding for like hours. But this is where it got weird. I was no longer with Selina or Ashley I was by myself. I then get surrounded by cops and get arrested, but they then go through everything I have and take my blades and I start bursting into tears, even though in reality I can always get more, and they claim they are going to tell my parents. So as they walk me back to the school my sister and mother are outside crying and asking why and it just unnerved me a little. Then I am told I am going into the Psych Ward for being a hazard to myself when they see my scars on my arms. Weirdly though I have the choice on which room I want. I can have the simple room with just a bedroom and kitchen or have the deluxe version with a dining room and a larger bathroom. Strange Right? Then my last dream- the worst- was really short, it was like a redo of the ending of the last story. The cops surrounded me and I held a gun to my head saying that if they came any closer I would shoot. I kept thinking in my head that they should have shot me in the arm so I would drop the gun but I did not want to put down my gun. My mother then came out  and tried to reason with me and I said no way in hell am I putting down my gun. Then my father walked out and I broke down crying showing that even though I do not really get along with my father that much I still love him a lot more than my mother because he at least will plan dates on days he doesn't see us. My mother loves to plan dates ON the days she sees us. Then that scenario plays itself over again but this time I hung myself from a random tree sticking up in an empty field. Honestly, I believe that my suicidal tendencies are starting to take over my sub-conscience. I am kind of worried yet still not enough to get help or seek attention. The End of my creepy thought.

Am I Doomed to Someplace Called "HELL"?

Today my bible-hugging neighbor decided to stop by to talk to us about his house. While he was here, my mother brought up the fact that I was going to a graduation party on Saturday (of which I am super excited). He then said to make sure I do not drink and drive, which is true but I highly doubt I am going to drink because it is with her family. Then later in the conversation, he brought up how if I die tomorrow where do I think I will spend the rest of eternity. Me being Atheist, I felt super uncomfortable with this question because if I say something wrong he will go all bible shit on me. So I just shrug my shoulders figuring that that will not do much. My mother chimes in saying "Well look at her" implying that because I dress "differently" I am going to "Hell". That kind of pissed me off... Actually REALLY pissed me off. So then he goes and says, "You know the bible states that hell is like your worse day and pain ever times a thousand." I thought about that and I thought to myself "So everyday of my life? So basically I will just live eternity like I am living now? Great..." Then they both start dissing all other religions and how "people that are scientific are just non-believers that do not believe in something if they cannot see it". I honestly don't believe in any of that shit because if "God" truly cared about mankind then why is he okay with people dying from murders? "Oh because he believes in FREE WILL". Oh! So if mankind goes extinct because "free will" killed us then that would be okay? To what point is free will wrong? This is exactly why it is bullshit. If God exists then why is he letting 2 year olds die of cancer when they did nothing wrong?.. UGH!!! I hate bible-huggers! ANYWAYS!!! Yeah so I am not in the mood right now for any kind of bullshit... So my mother is leaving me by myself again ;/ because she is going swimming at her boyfriend's house... again... So yay more computer time!!! <3 I love my laptop!! yet my mother called it hers again today and I was like "Uhh no it's mine remember? You gave it to me for graduation." She apparently "forgot" again.. Gosh. She just does not want me to own anything! I tell her that my father is soon signing over the car to me and she has to try and find away to stop that. Then I tell her I am getting a debit card she tells me that I should not get one. GOSH!!!! Let me fucking grow up already I am almost 19!! I start college in less than a month... I am an adult not no 13 year old that needs careful watching. Anyways, I was home alone all night and is going be alone the rest of the night because my mother is "sleeping" over at her boyfriend's house. How is it my mother can get more boyfriends in a two month period than I ever had? Soo not fair. People wonder why I have such low self esteem, well here is part of the reason. My Mother! She talks shit about how she is "fat" and hates her weight and stuff. Well I am like 50 lbs heavier than her making me feel like complete and utter shit! Why?!?!?! must I be the biggest person in my intermediate family and I am not like super obese or anything. I am just fat. My whole family are twigs like eat anything they want kind of twigs. This is exactly why I have eating issues and self esteem issues. I have compared myself with my cousin since we were like 5. Not Kidding. I grew up wishing I was her size, her popularity, her outgoingness. Now I hate going to family gathering because all I see is junk food- EVERYWHERE- and I cannot eat much of it. Then when I tell them I am not hungry they all make fun of me... I cannot wait until college because then I have an excuse to miss every gathering. In the past 4-5 years I have only been to gatherings like 30 times because I was forced to. This year I have only been to 3 at my aunt's house. There have been a few BBQs at my house but luckily I can hide in my room that entire time. Thank goodness. ANYWAYS!(that was one giant rant sorry). So I am officially addicted to Youtube. I can spend hours on end watching videos and never get bored. EVER. Yeaaah. So I was watching videos on about self harm and shit like that. So I never want to be admitted to a hospital or psych ward or anything similar. I WOULD DIE! Yeah so I realized people have it better than I do and they still self injure, I was quite shocked because I thought I was "overreacting" and shit. I am not going stop but least it gives me some- I don't know the word. Anyways, Yeah so I actually went 24 hrs without cutting yesterday, mainly because I was at Belle's house, but still. I did relapse like 15 minutes ago but oh well. I saw on a couple videos that some people almost reach arteries on their thighs. I was shocked like super shocked! I felt terrible for them.. I cut on my wrist and I cut shallower near my veins because I do not want to have to go to a hospital EVER. I hate doctors!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh and DENTISTS even more!!!! Yeah... So I sent Belle (if you haven't figured it out yet she is one of my closest friends along with Ashley, Selina, and occasionally Josh) a picture of my scars because she did ask me to see them and I said I would think about it. I figured taking a picture and emailing it to her would be the easiest way for me to do it because then my anxiety and panic attacks won't flair up as badly. So I sent it to her now I am just fucking FREAKED out that she will FREAK out... I honestly not think they are bad but then again what the hell do I know. So yeah I had another "guilt trip" while talking to her about the fact that the picture would not open and kept saying ERROR... It was a SIGN. Any who, I honestly feel that it would be so much easier for me and everyone else if they all just did not care and did not "love" me.. Like honestly, I do not deserve any of that like I am a terrible person and friend. I am SUPER sarcastic and I guess selfish on certain occasions I don't know. I am unworthy I guess . Goodnight.

Damaged and Ashamed

Today did not start out very well. I woke up 20 minutes late and had a chat with my mother. Let me just say, do not-I repeat- do NOT have any conversation with my mother when she is in a bitchy mood. So I was talking to her about how I am really excited to get my next tattoo. She then remembered that my career requires that my hair be up at all times, so then she had to throw a big fit about how I must change the spot of my tattoo so NO ONE can see it. What's the point of a tattoo if no one can see how awesome it is? UGH! Then on our way down to my house she then kept nitpicking at everything wrong. Like the radio was playing on of Adam Lambert's songs and I said that he was playing at the fair this year. She then said something that me or my sister could understand but then we said Adam Lambert to repeat ourselves. She then said WHAT again... We then say it like even louder because obviously she wasn't paying any attention. But then she gets like soo pissed because we said it like louder making us sound "rude" and she says that she's "SICK" therefore she could not hear us. BULLSHIT! Having a runny nose does not affect your hearing. Then I finally got home and went to sleep, yay! I then awoke at like 9:30 AM and was expecting to pick up my sister but she failed to tell me that I am no longer picking her up at the school. Anyways, I cut but that is part of my daily ritual then I got ready for my sleepover at Belle's house :) YAY. Then 1:30 PM comes along and my sister texts me expecting me to drop everything I am doing to come pick her up at my mother's work. I do it just because I also have to get gas along the way. It is now 3 PM, I am at Belle's house just chilling when her 3 year old cousin comes over. Don't get me wrong she was adorable but I am NOT a child person. I suck at dealing with kids they irritate me but anyways I just went along with it. At 5 PM, we went to dinner at Applebee's for Belle's grandfather's birthday; they were so nice. We then got home and made S'mores :D yum! Then their neighbor Andrew came over to hang and also make marshmallows. He was chill. Josh, Andrew, Belle and I all talked for a long while and gossiped. THEN Josh and Belle thought it would be funny to screw around with the fire. I felt bad for Andrew because he was the target for all Belle's craziness ;). Her and her strange ways of flirting did not work well on this particular fellow. Anyways that is all I really did tonight. I feel terrible because I am still awake writing this and Belle is passed out already. Why do I have to be a burden on people? She asked to see my scars and I like froze up, like IMMEDIATELY! I want to show people but I just CAN'T I don't know why. I know she won't judge me but it is just something about it that will not let me say ok. So yeah I am currently sleeping with an arm warmer on my wrist just so it isn't exposed. I would really like to sleep without it but I know that I should. Therefore, I will. So let's just see how tomorrow morning goes without cutting before I sleep. Goodnight! <3

Too Dull

Today, June 11, absolutely nothing happened. Why does my life have to be so dull once school is completed?! When I am left to over process my thoughts and feelings, nothing good an come of it. I woke up, took a shower and went on Youtube. I was listening to my depressing music like always and discovered new songs and artists. I discovered MikelWJ and BMike. They both are really good! The song Please Don't Cut by MikelWJ is linked under pages. His other songs, like Dear Diary, are all very powerful and are dedicated to pain and stuff. Dear Diary is about anorexia and bulimia; it was very good. My favorite song I discovered today was Baby Don't Cut by BMike. It is about this girl that cuts and she promises her boyfriend to never do it again, but then one day it becomes unbearable and she ends up killing herself. It was SOO sad, yet it is realistic. He also did other songs like Life In My Stomach, which is about a woman who is having a baby and the father doesn't want it so he kicks her and kills it. SOO DEPRESSING YET SOO POWERFUL. So at 6:30 ish my mother comes hoe and I tell her about BMike and his song Life In My Stomach and she starts to like joke around and say if he wanted to kill the baby he should have done it earlier and stuff. That made me so fucking upset I don't even know what to do with myself. This made me think to myself that this is the EXACT reason I cannot tell her about my cutting; she will take it as a joke or just tell me I am overreacting. Why can't my parents be caring and actually loving?! If I tell the something depressing they tell me to ignore it, that they don't care, or joke around. Surprisingly enough, my father takes things more seriously but he gets angry 10 times faster. I wish I had a normal life because then I probably would not have started cutting in the first place. SOO yes I did cut today. Not deep at all because my FUCKING razor hates me and is now as dull as a kitchen knife. It took me twice as long to get anywhere. Plus when it is dull, I won't bleed. I didn't bleed like at all really. It pissed me off so I guess tomorrow I must get a new one ;) Yay! I am still contemplating whether or not to buy that 100 pack just because it is pretty cheap. Yet I keep getting this feeling that when I go to purchase them I will get stares and get silent judgments. Sooner or later my father will notice that they are disappearing because I need to replace them after a month or so. Hmm... FUCK YOU RAZOR DON'T GET DULL!! Anyways, cutting today was a pain and a half. It did not hurt at all but I had to press with full force and it did nothing but get stuck. FUCK! New razor here I come <3. So I was thinking since I am spending the night with Ashley and Selina on Friday that I could possibly show them but yet what if they tell their parents or tell me to leave or try to tell me to get help. IDK. I don't really want help at this point. It has been almost 3 years and you would have thought if I wanted help I would have already gotten it by now. So that is still fresh in my mind but not even showing them will stop me from cutting daily. It is a disgrace but it is the only way I feel alive or human. I am constantly numb- Only numb. So thank god I do not have the urge to cut tonight- knock on wood. SO I ended up telling Selina and Ashley about me started cutting again. That was VERY stressful. Selina was okay with it like nothing to stress about, but Ashley was the opposite. She asked "Why?!" Of all the questions did she have to ask why, because that is the only question I cannot answer. Yeah. Well after I told them I had a breakdown, again. All the thought of them telling me that I overreacted and that I am emo freak went running through me mind. I wanted to cut but I knew that it would only make it worse so I didn't. I felt alittle proud but not much. Why must people ask "WHY?!" When I am asked that I feel as though I am "overreacting" because I cannot answer the question right away, let alone at all. The worst part had to be when she said that because I did not know why I cut then I should not cut. It makes sense but no sense. You do not need to know why you are doing something when you are doing it. It could all be impulse because that is all I am doing. It makes me feel alive and allows me to see something that normal people have too- Blood. Anyways before I get triggered, I am changing the subject. I have just been on Youtube- all night ;) So I had like a sudden urge to listen to Black Veil Brides. Strange Right? Haven't listened to them in a long while. The older songs are better in my opinion because they actually scream and it is harder than their newer stuff. Yet Andy Biersack is still as hot as he always was hahaha. SO ya... I am gunna conclude this post. See Ya. ;)

Far From Proud But Not A Fuck Is Given

All in all, I bled three times today. I am far from proud but I don't care anymore. I will cut till my hearts content no matter where that is.

It is 1 am. I am still up listening to music. It makes me cry when I think of how I cannot feel emotions other than anger and pain, and I only feel Numb. I cannot feel physical pain much anymore and I only felt pain when I think of abandonment. To me, it is still technically yesterday since I have not slept yet, but since it is past midnight, it is tomorrow or today or whatever. I only cut to know I am numb everywhere not just in my mind. Ron, family friend, came over and it was weird because it hurts a lot to know that I am alone and unattractive because I have no one that finds me worth anything to even think I am pretty. I wish college will change that and give me a reason to legitimately want to stop cutting. Right now, it is the only thing steady in my life and it gives me some leisure at heart. Please, college, give me attractive people that actually find me worth their time </3

I cut again at 3 am, being it was becoming unbearable. I regret it but then again I don't. Being a cutter, my scars and wounds are beautiful and tell me the pain is not just in my head, it is also physical. Being in public, my scars and wounds are embarrassing and I do not want to be targeted or judged, that is mostly why I hide them so much.

Again today around 6:45 pm.  My blade is getting duller and duller :_(. I just discovered I can buy 100 blades at $7. What a steal! I won't ever need that many but DAMN that's a great price. Yet the double edge ones that I wanted to start using (because they are way cooler looking) are way to expensive. Oh well!! I will get over it. So while I was cutting deeper, it began to HEAL. WTF!! It was very frustrating because then I couldn't get the blood to help the blood slide. it didn't cut very well this time. I've been shallower and I have been deeper so I can't complain to much.

Resorting Back to Old Ways

It took time. I bled today just to relieve the growing tension in my body. It helped but not a lot. I cut larger than I normally do, not deeper but longer. I took up my entire width of the two from yesterday. I think the tension started growing when I finished writing this morning; it also continued when I was searching for pictures on Google and triggering pictures popped up. Me being me, I did not scroll away I just continued to look. I think that anything that brings scarring into my mind is triggering. Just typing this out makes me want to cut. If I could, I would cut like once every hour or so but I know that that isn't realistic. Now that I am getting farther up my wrist, I am contemplating cutting on the top side of my arm. I know it would b more visible but at least I could still hide it. So when I  was cutting, it took like twice as long to get even any visible mark. IT DIDN'T EVEN BLEED. That pissed me off because that is half of what I look for to receive satisfaction. There was not red running down my arm; there was barely any red along the wound itself. I couldn't go deep. I will probably do it again being I did not receive any satisfaction beside the thought that it will be a beautiful scar. I get the tingling just thinking that it will be a scar. When I see peoples arms covered in scars, I get jealous almost. They have stories to tell and have gone through feelings that I have. I am just getting lightheaded just thinking about it. I just want someone to love me for me, scars and all. I want someone that will understand my pain and will do their best to prevent it, not just tell me I am overreacting. I hope one day I will be able to show someone that I am stronger than most, I just dealt with the feelings longer and had to find a way to let it out before I exploded. Obviously I have already exploded and now has possible disorders that have appeared over the past 3 years. Why did Josh have to tell me that I need to stop self diagnosing myself? I know what I have! It's so obvious...I have almost EVERY symptom even though you only need to have like 3. I KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT! He may not know what his problem is, but I sure as hell know what I have. Anyone who looks up Borderline Personality Disorder will see everything that I feel and do.. He should be agreeing with me because he witnessed first hand that if I am friends with someone for to long I begin to push them away. I push them away to prevent them from abandoning me, just like all my friends in the past. GOD I want to cut again SOO bad. I just want my arm to be messy; messy without any needed medical attention. I just want BLOOD. That is all I crave right now. Oh! And Scars... a lot of them too.

Not shortly after I wrote the above section, I chose to bleed. Bad decision to outsiders but a reasonable one to the insiders. My mother decided to say that we were eating at David's house, her "boyfriend", and said I didn't have to go. But in reality I had to in order to eat legit food. Anyway, I decided to go even though I would rather have stayed home. So on the way there the topic of jobs came up. I told her I was going to apply for Vons in their bakery section. It then faded to the choice of what I plan on wearing for the interview. I told her I was just going to wear one of my lacy tops and black jeans because that is dressy casual. She then like flipped out saying that that is not appropriate and I should dress like normal people, pencil skirt and a blouse top. I told her that I wore that outfit to every ceremony I have gone to. She then said that it was NOT the same, that this was about jobs not receiving a damn award. It hurt like ALOT! I should be able to wear what I want because I am the one going to the interview not her. WHY do I have to be so different and like take things so personally and seriously. She probably did not mean it like that but it FUCKING hurt. I felt like crying but I knew I can't because I would be "overreacting". I didn't cut after that because we were at his house. I eat 1 hamburger and that's it. Least I have eaten like almost ever. Ever sense my cutting started up, I have lost a bit of weight- not a pant size yet but I am getting there :D- and my appetite has shrunk to almost nothing. Being I am already fucked up, I kind of wish I had an eating disorder to lose weight being I am fat and like the fattest person in my family. I just want to be a size small. Small boobs, tiny legs, flat flat stomach, and NORMAL or at least look sexy in my "emo" clothing. God Damn!! I wish I would die and be reincarnated as a skinny twig just so I know what it is like to be able to wear whatever the fuck I want and still look AMAZING. UGH!!!!! Maybe even then I could get a fucking sexy ass boyfriend. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
T-T WHY MUST I BE AN UGLY ASS BOWL OF FLAWS that no one will ever love? I am like one of the misfit toys on Rudolf but I will be one of the ones under snow that will never be found and loved. I just want to die so I never have to see my ugly fat body ever ever again. I just will never have a legit reason to die. Everyone will see it as a way of attention. In my life right now, my only bully is myself but over the years people have convinced me I am worthless and I am an attention whore who will do anything for attention. Maybe I do.  I keep repeating the video to The Way She Feels by Between the Trees. This video makes me cry like explode. I fits my life soo much it is sickening. I wish this song would play forever. I have known this song for so long and normally I get bored of a song after a week of listening to it on repeat but this song can be on repeat for like ever and I would always cry and enjoy every word ever said. Imma bleed now, goodbye.

Break From Drama

Hey.
So this was the first time I reread any of these journal entries since I first wrote them. It was quite difficult because those words are exactly how I feel/felt. All these entries were written on my phone until I created this blog to hide them from anyone looking through my phone. I look at my wrist and I feel in love and in complete disgust knowing that my parents never intended for me to become like this. Its depressing to know that I started this just because I wanted to draw "attention" to my unhappiness but when I actually did it, I did not want ANYONE to see it... EVER. Now it has taken over my life, my feelings, my so-called-happiness. I still love it though, it may be the addict talking but that's all I am now, an ADDICT. hey there was an ant on my boob xD. LOL. Any who, I just ordered a new pair of arm warmers (my new fave thing) just why must the cute ones be so expensive- like $20-$40. DANG not paying that. I bought ones like these

aren't they cute ;)
Well I am hoping they come in like within the next couple days since they are from CA too. Reading all my entries and such make the urges return. It sucks being considered an addict but that is exactly what it is- an addiction. Also I will upload my essay about what happened with my stepfather. As you have seen, I added pictures.. I felt it necessary to add something visual not just written. So hopefully you don't get too emotionally unstable with those added but to bad. I ain't deleting them ;P Those where the most fitting pictures I could find. Laterz til my next entry later today.

Shakes and Shivers

The pain just hides itself for hours and hours on end. But then at the most random times, it appears. I cut till I bleed enough to satisfy my need. Or till I begin to feel in a rush or hurried by my conscience. Today in particular, I did not achieve the satisfaction to the fullest. I no longer feel pain when I cut into my skin. It's just numb; occasionally, I feel a sting shoot up my hand, which is an amazing feeling which causes my hands to shake and shiver continuously. I Love It! "I won't stop, it feels amazing." That is exactly what I feel as I go red.

Love/ Hate Relationships

I was so close to making it to a week of being clean. I honestly don't want to stop, but I do have goals on how often I plan on SI (self injury). Today was just really stressful. I don't know why in particular, but it had that type of vibe all day. I was 5 days clean and then today I had to go and ruin it. I was so happy though that I made it through graduation, grad night and my not-so-fun grad party.
Side Rant:  My cousin didn't even celebrate OUR grad party together; she had her two friends over. I hate being lonely or an afterthought. I hate her friends, too. They all just view me as worthless and probably think," That's your cousin? She is a freak; how could you possibly spend time at parties with her?" Oh that's right! She doesn't! I tend to spend time by myself; sitting, thinking and feeling antisocial. I, mentally, have a love and hate relationship with my family. I love them dearly because they are blood. But I hate them because at every gathering, I am left out and left to sit by myself at just LISTEN to people's stories. Normal kids would not care but I am not normal kid, as you can see. I grew up in the corner of quiet an

d follower. I still am both of them but when it comes to being normal. I spit at it because being normal gets you pregnant and a Barbie doll. TBH: I wish I had the figure of a Barbie doll because then I probably would be normal and fit in size small clothing :(
Anyways!! I also have a love/hate relationship with my blades. I LOVE them SOO much, like if I ever think to lose them, I have a major panic attack. That's not normal! They give me a sense of relief and something to look forward to during stressful times. I "hate" them because if it weren't for them, I would not have scars on my wrists. People say to love not hate so I will over look the scars and Produce Fresh. That is so wrong for me to say but I don't care. SI is Now Part of My Life Hopefully Till I Find Love or something.

Possible Abandonment Issues

Don't you just love it when your parents leave you to fend for yourself without any type of  notice of when they will return. Ugh! Second day in a row. It's quite fucking annoying because then I have to take care of her animals. Why do I have to be so sensitive when it comes to feelings of abandonment?!?!?! It just makes me cry just thinking that they just overlook me and think I am not important enough. Why does my family break so many promises that I don't even know what it is like to keep a promise anymore? I don't want sorrys I want answers. That is all I want right now.
I bleed to bring my mind some peace at mind during a time like this. It allows me to focus on something physical instead of mental. Seeing myself bleed gives me a temporary feeling of being alive, kind of.

Music Can Make or Break My Mood

I cut only once today. I am a little proud being the nigh before did not go very well. I discovered a new song today, Nobody Home by Avril Lavigne, it is really good being it is an older song of hers. I did not cut very deep today which is a good thing but for some reason the outer side bleeds quite a bit more than the inner side, I don't know why. It sucked because I wanted to keep going but I knew I shouldn't. Too much blood for my liking. Misguided Ghosts by Paramore! Listening to this song right now xD. Oh! now it's Believe in Me by Demi Lovato, both are amazing songs. The video to Demi's song is a lot more meaningful yet I haven't seen Paramore's video. Also Demi's video hits home. Paramore's is just about life in general and Demi's is about hiding the real you and wising you could be yourself. Whenever I begin to overanalyze a song, I start to cry because then I begin to connect it to ME. Damn haha! I wish I could show Ashley and Selina the real me. I just cannot. Belle and Josh know but do not know the full extent of it. I showed them my first entry and they had nothing really to say, not all that surprising. I really wish they would express how they truly feel about me. I feel as though they pretend to understand just to pity me and shut me up because I tend to burden them with my imaginary problems. Breathe Me by Sia. It feels as though I permanently live under a stormy cloud of pessimism. Sometimes it's a very slight drizzle then sometimes is a full on hurricane, It's just like the weather too- unexpected. Whenever I think about the inside of my mind and what it could possibly look like, I think shades of grey with a safe filled to the max of secrets that I only tell a select few. if any. Now tomorrow I am required by Ashley and Selina to do some lip dub for senior class only. They said I have to do it or I will be a loner during free period and nutrition break. Being the person who cannot stand to be alone, I gave in. And now I have to wear orange and black...yaay... Ugh!!! Why can't I just disappear?!?! I just wish one day I disappeared without anyone else ever knowing I existed. I even had that same daydream/zoning where I died in a "tragic" car accident but then I saw my mother crying and I remembered her saying that if anything happened to my sister and I, she probably would not be able to go on. I would be hurting her and the other few who care. I keep thinking to myself about the person that dies every year right before graduation and how everyone remembered him and recognized him. I keep kind of wishing that that would happen to me just so I can get out of the dark  and into the light. It kind of sounds selfish but I never get attention unless it is bad. EVER! If I talk to my friends, the conversations are always revolved around them or drama. I do my best to try to make myself laugh and I seem to be getting better at just making everything dirty because that is very easy with how Ashley and Selina talk ;3 Anyways ttyl. <3

Daily Struggle Without Love

I arrive at home every afternoon and immediately think "Bleed". That is all I am capable of thinking. I can usually fight the urge when someone is home or I am way to busy to even think at all. Today, sadly, was not that kind of day. I bled... Deeper and deeper I went, no vein though- never. I regret it now, I should have waited. I sit here every night wishing I am not alone. Listening to my playlist filled with depressing songs about depression and self injury, it allows me to cry to songs that explain my pain. When did it all go wrong? When did I start taking things too seriously? Bleeding is my only answer to any of  my infinite list of questions... I try to bleed only once a day to limit my scars. Snapping rubber bands are more painful and only leave temporary marks. Websites help me understand that I am not alone but they just make me feel like I am broken. "BLEED! BLEED!CUT ME OPEN!" That's all I hear now. It's louder than my music, my mind, my anxiety, my panic attacks. All I do is tap and tap and tap; maybe the urge will fade the more I tap.. The faster I tap the worse I am feeling. I just sit and relive everything that happened today from the good to the terrible. "Bleed" all I heard all day. I bring my blade with me everywhere so I know I have my safety blanket if I need it. I hate leaving class to do it but sometimes it must be done. I hate the fact that the only place I can get the privacy to do it is in the restroom. Going during class gives me this sense of rush and urgency which doesn't let me receive the full satisfaction I am trying to get. Plus I have to stand while I bleed because I am a germ freak and won't sit on the toilets.  But it's the price I pay to release my pain at school. Being the weak person I am, I give into most urges for it allows me to focus on something other than my emotional problems. I gave in tonight, breaking my limit for I cut twice today. Nothing bad happened today but for some reason they were quite strong today and I wasn't feeling the need to fight them so I gave in. It only stings after I hit a sensitive spot or once I wipe away the blood running across my arm. I wish I did not have my tattoo on my right arm for it would be so much easier to hide and honestly quite a bit easier to cut. It was a small cut tonight. It was the length of the diameter of a nickel and about the depth of all the others lately.. I prefer to be organized about the placement of my scars/wounds; they are straight-ish lines running horizontally and fit about two on each line plus I try to keep each line close together to allow easy concealing. Honestly, I lost count of how many times I have cut. Last time I remember was thirty in about one and a half weeks but I use to cut three to four times a day then. I have reopened other scars because of award ceremonies so I didn't have any fresh wounds up top to have to hide well. I just tries to count how many. I lost track at forty five so I am going to guesstimate about fifty five scars and I don't know how many cuts being I reopened a few a while back. Right now, my favorite song of all time is The Way She Feels by Between the Trees. This song has been with me through all my troubles and fits of self injury.. On and off for almost three FUCKING years. Luckily, my scars fade pretty fast.. Well at least the ones under my tat because I only used safety pins to scrape at my skin until I bled a little. Then I moved to my upper arm and I still used safety pins, but it bled more since it was thicker skin and I had to scrape harder. After being months clean, I began again in April.. This time I used my first blade. I barely broke skin being it was a totally different sensation than scraping. I barely cut being it hurt ALOT the first couple times. Then the further up my wrist I went the deeper it went and the darker the scars got. I don't care honestly as long as people don't se I am quite content. Only problem I see in my future is never finding love because who would love a cutter?

I Am Not Your Charity Case

I am not your charity case!
I cut deeper every time; never reaching a point of vein. many cut worse but I don't care, as long as I get to feel. The more I bleed the less it hurts. I no longer feel pain in m skin, it stays numb. that is not good, but I don't care. I will continue. Is my addiction ruining my body? Yes it is, but I cannot stop. I can't! I won't! Won't I? Many tell me they care but I no longer accept it or believe it. I speak to two close friends about my addiction yet when I text I can say all I want but I cannot in person. I feel as though once I reveal my wounds and scars, they will reject me and abandon me to fend for myself and tell the world of my attention seeking ways, just like everyone else has... I want to show someone. I want someone to actually care enough to push me to see them just so I know they truly care about my wellbeing and will do all they can to make sure I am not slowly killing myself. If only I could die without people noticing. Every time I drive, I sit there wishing to run off the road and die. It is not a good thing but it will continue to flash through my brain every time I drive. I will not kill myself for it will no fix a thing and will hurt my loved ones. death cannot fix something that is permanently broken- ME... No matter where I reside- in either life or death- I will never feel joy... I haven't felt joy in almost 3 years and many many years before then. I have always been the outcast, the freak, the timid one. Every time I think of it I burst into tears, but what can I do about it? Nothing. It is the past...memories... They will never change. All this flows fast through my brain as I lay my skin open to bleed away my worries, my stress, my pain. Physical pain no longer exists in this body, only mental. If only I had physical pain because at least that is fixed with a few medical supplies. Mental pain- crazy- cannot be fixed simply or quickly. it requires tiresome unguaranteed therapy and drugs that cause the death of one's soul while trying to balance one's unstable emotions. To be honest, I'd rather be a zebra than be a zombie for the rest of my life thank you because makeup can hide scars... Faking emotions can only go on for so long before resorting back to square one- Self Harm. I believe that at this rate, I will be hospitalized once in the next year or so if I don't stop and take a small break like I do every 3 months or so. Luckily, my parents do not care to much to notice any f my craziness, like: my drastic and swift changes in mood from normal to furious to depressed in 5 seconds, and always wearing jackets, cuffs, warmers, umm my overattachment to my friends then push them away when I get too close, my secret panic attacks (oftenly enough to be listed), anxiety and depression when left alone to over process everything, and my MAJOR zoning problem lately... I wish I was normal!!! no family problems, no self-loathing... a normal brain!! Why can't I have a flat stomach, size 00- 3 pant size, smaller boobs, beautiful face, popular, normal style in clothing, music and beauty. I want to be an average person, not a fat chick that doesn't fit in anywhere, not even at her own house, and over thinks everything causing her to ruin things that were perfect before I came along. WHY DO I RUIN EVERYTHING?!?!?! No matter where I am, I am judged yet I deserve it. I chose to dress like this, act like this, get addicted to things way to easily. It's all my fault- plain and simple... I screwed up my life because I let people get into my head way too easily and I deserve everything ever said to and about me and everything I continue to do to destroy my body. I can't be fixed, and don't want to be. I'm worthless...

The Beginning: From Bad to Worse

I always knew I was different than most girls my age. I was the quiet girl that was lucky enough to make friends. I never made the first move to make friends. It was 5th grade that I was forced to move school to North Broadway for my last year of elementary. It was very tough knowing that I would have to start all over with friends. It elated me when I met Katie on the first day. She invited me to hang with them. We then became AMAZING friends, like the best of friends. I was finally popular-finally part of the in crowd-it lasted about 2 and 1/2 years. 7th grade it ended, I luckily made new friends. Middle School was going great until I met HER, Taylor. She made me believe that she was my friends and that friends abuse one another. Me being as naïve as I was and feeling lucky enough just to have a friend, I went along with it. Constantly playing games that caused pain-like Rock Paper Scissors Slap- and always being punched if I say something. Finally finishing grade school, I finally reached high school, hoping it is just like all the movies: parties, booze, sex, boyfriends, being popular. It was the complete opposite; I was a nerd and did not receive any attention from boys. Freshmen year was okay, being that colorguard was wonderful and time consuming. Joining colorguard was both exciting and terribly nerve-racking. I was alone once again; all my friends were in band and I knew I could not make friends. It took me a full semester to finally make a friend, Mariana, enough to always hang with her during practices. The end of freshmen year, she graduated leaving me alone again.

 Sophomore year was the beginning of it ALL. I met Carlos and Joshua. I was going good till I started drinking. I then saw that everyone was flipping out when they saw Carlos self injured once or twice. At that time, I was tired of being the bystander I wanted to be the center of attention for once in my life. I began scratching myself with safety pins because it didn't hurt a lot but still caused marks. My initial thought was to get attention but after a few tries I began to discover why Carlos hid it. It is shameful and ugly, but so fucking addicting. I went on months and months of scratching every now and then but because they healed fast it was nice to know it didn't leave much of a mark.

It was now the summer between sophomore and junior year. I changed my hair from brown to bleach blonde to become more "scene". That was when I first experienced cyberbullying. My good friend Allison thought that she should call me out in front of all my friends on Facebook calling me fake and that I am trying to be someone I am not just to get attention. It hurt A LOT, like unbearable. it only got worse when a guy I have never talked to named Jose chimed in agreeing and adding on. That was the night I scratched "KILL ME" into my wrist. I even still have the picture just to make sure I never carve words in my body again. it took a long time to finally cover up/ fade those words. Junior year. My drinking continued as a way of self medication and hiding my pain. I luckily never got caught being I did it at school. My scratching was an on and off thing that was heightened by female hormones and stress. That year had a lot go on that is way to much to go into detail on but I drank and even tried drugs. I tried weed and almost ecstacy. My sister somehow found out I smoked and snitched on me. I got grounded for like EVER but that got my head on straight. I still drank but I swore to not do drugs, they are useless; take that from a self medicating freak. It also did not help that our colorguard captain was in love with drama, so any type of gossip she could get her hands on she exposed. I happened to be the "IT" thing to talk about. She told EVERYONE that I was a "wannabe emo" and that I cut myself just to get attention. At that point in time, I had been clean for a while but still Carlos decided to stop talking to me even though he already knew that, like for a long while. I figured it was because now everyone knew, he could not be associated with me. It hurt ALOT like so much I started again. The worst of it all was that I "saved" his musical career because he was addicted to weed and I got him to quit, like permanently. But months later, I got clean and stopped myself and focused on other things in my life. After being "clean" from my scratching I decided to get a tattoo for my 18th birthday.

Between junior and senior year, my stepfather ruined my streak of clean. He got drunk and beat my mother, I will post that essay later. I stayed strong, being I was more focused on my mother and sister. My mother then took him back and tried to "fix" it. It got kind of better but not much. Then in March it happened again but this time my sister and I were not their to help or call 911. Luckily, no one was majorly hurt but that FINALLY caused my mother to file for a divorce. That was when my self injuring came back with a vengeance. I began cutting with a razor. That's where my journal entries begin. These entries are written during and after I cut; it expresses everything that went through my head that day. How I felt, what happened...etc.