The past few years, my family has been struggling with money with my stepfather only receiving unemployment. But the past months have been even harder, being my mother is going through a divorce. She has the mortgage and all the bills to pay all by herself, plus she now has lawyer bills to have to pay. So we are SUPER tight on money. I recently received quite a bit of money for graduation that I was going to use for when I finally get my room that is detached from the main building to paint it and get new furniture, but being I have to spend it on gas and the bills my mother cannot pay... But I just found out that the reason my mother was gone the last 10 hours was because she was buying a NEW CAR even though she already has truck! She can't even pay her own bills and she's buying a new car... I am like so mad I want to go up to her and beat the shit out of her because if I ask for gas money she says I have to get a job. Which I am trying! I have applied to like 5 places in the last week.... I just haven't received any answer... So I can't help it... Ugh I am just pissed !!! I want a new car and I honestly needed a new one more than she will for a long time!! I have a 1999 Honda Civic that is falling apart... She has like a 2006 Ford F250... SHE DOES NOT NEED A NEW CAR!!! I do... And I drive 45 minutes to school and I cannot risk breaking down because I live so far away.... UGH I HATE LIVING WITH MY MOTHER.... at least my father is somewhat realistic when it comes to large purchases... OMFG!! She is now trying to convince me and my sister that spending $12000 of money we don't have on a third car is necessary for us to have.. But it isn't working... Still so pissed! Woohoo.... and she brings up the job subject... When I go to explain to my grandfather where I have applied she interrupts saying I am not applying to places fast enough!! MG do NOT interrupt me when I am saying I am doing my hardest to get a job just to say I am NOT going fast enough!!! FUCK I WANT TO GO APESHIT ON HER ASS!
So living in this household causes me to want to cut like every FUCKING day... But I don't... I wish it was fall or winter because then I can start cutting my wrist again.... I miss it... A lot!... I love just looking at it and running my fingertips over the precise lines running across my wrist. I want the blood to be dripping down my arm. I do not want to have to have my pants down in order to cut myself. I loved the convenience of just lifting my bracelet or a sleeve and releasing SO MUCH tension and anger that I feel... Oh the anger! So frustrating when there is nothing I can do... I hate being told that my hardest is not up to expectations... I feel worthless, like a failure. I constantly wonder that if I died, maybe they would appreciate what I am able to do... If only I could actually kill myself and not fail at that too... I get close but then my body seems to fight everything I do.... EVERYTHING.
Yesterday, my mother's boyfriend's son Caleb was asking me a bunch of questions about me. He asked me if I had any friends and that really like hit me hard. I actually do not have any friends. I said that I had one, Annabelle... It made me wanna cry. A three year old snapped me back to reality. I have lost all my friends.. All because of stupid fucking high school drama.
I. AM.ALONE.
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