Midnight Symphony (Trigger Warning)

I sat on the side of the cold tub thinking... crying. "Why am I like this?", I thought to myself. I then reach for my red makeup bag. I unzip it and rummage through it searching for something in particular. I find it. My best friend. My only hope. My blade. She isn't as sharp as she once was. She grew closer to her end. She will soon be replaced by a fresh one. No more blood stains on this one- a clean slate. I pull up the leg of my shorts and take one more deep breathe followed by a deep sigh. I press it along my leg, but not drawing much blood. I run her over the same line again and again until I see a dark red line appear on my leg. I grab my already blood-stained towelettes and remove the blood. I then move my razor to start another line next to the last one, yet this one is not as long being a past scar is blocking the path. I trace the line over and over until the same red line appears and wipe it clean. I am now feeling compulsive to do more. I comply. I move to the inner part of my thigh. I press firmly down and gliding her in a line. Blood does not rise. Growing angry. I draw the line over and over until I wince when I slice to fast. Not very deep but enough to finally draw blood. I grab my towelette and trace the line gathering up the remaining blood. I then sit there knowing I cannot do more, but I have the NEED to continue. Just sitting there. Blade in one hand, nothing in the other. Just sitting there unable to move anything except my eyes. The only thing I feel is tingling in my fingertips. I only hear a deep ringing in my ears and a faint heartbeat that I wish would just stop forever. I am eventually able to get my body to respond again. I wipe off my blade and returning her to the cartridge I removed her from then place that and the towelette back into my makeup purse for safe and convenient keeping. I stand up and immediately am confronted with my biggest trigger- My Reflection. I feel as though she taunts me every morning, day and evening. Telling me that I am fat, ugly, worthless. There she was doing it again just to make me worse. "Helpme." That is all. I am unable to receive it but I know I want it. Deep deep down. I know that if I make it, I will have wished that I stopped sooner before I completely ruin my body- my horrific body. At some points I just wish that I could literally CUT off all my fat. Then maybe I will be desirable to people. Pretty enough. Skinny Enough. Funny enough. Good enough. That is all I ever want. To be GOOD ENOUGH.


-this is what happens.
-sorry I haven't posted in a long while. I have been busy doing school work and being a failure. I have been meaning to post but I just kept getting distracted. Sorry. Hope you are all doing well. Love ya <3