I'm Lost in the Name of Love

...all night I have been reading fan fiction about Tony Perry in PTV. I LOVE HIM <3

 He is amazing, anyways it got me thinking. I am the biggest failure of all time. I am almost 19 years old. I have never felt love only lust. I have only had like 4 boyfriends.. All in like 2 years. EVER. I haven't had a boyfriend in over a year because people get caught up in drama. They all believe them. I have NEVER held hands with a boy. I have NEVER kissed one. I always end up ending the relationship due to getting to close or fixating on a flaw to the point of annoyance. Why do I have to be so unattractive and FAT?! I am TRYING to lose weight I swear! I am just not losing it fast enough! Remember that friend I mentioned making at orientation? Well, I don't know if she even wants to be my friend. I am ugly, annoying, still a kid, ANNOYING. I understand if she never wants to talk to me or even look at me ever again. She won't be the first. I lay here on my bed thinking,... and thinking,... and thinking. It is so bad for me to sit here and fester on the smallest thoughts, let alone that god damn voice. Ugh! What if college is a whole new high school? But this time I start off with not a SINGLE friend. Just thinking about that makes me feel like I am going to have a panic attack on the first day... I wonder if they have a counselor like other colleges? Hmm. Not like I would see one or anything but just as a precaution. IDK. You know how much pain I am in right now? I just will sit there and truly consider downing that bottle of pills just to end it all. No more fatness. No more cravings. No more failing others and myself. No more worries. No more voice. No more pain. No more anxiety. No More Suffering. It would all be gone. Forever. It's not like I have a reason to live or anything. Anyways my mother is considering having another child so that can replace me so there is no reason to even exist anymore. All I want to do is slice every inch of my body then see if my emotions are still there because if they are, life is not worth it anymore. Pain is part of my DNA. I want my DNA removed and replaced with someone skinny, happy, and outgoing. WHY must I be a god damn ugly fat freak?! AHHHHHHH!!!