Is The End Drawing Nearer?

I first joined IMVU back in September. I had mixed feelings, like this will be fun I can tell people how I truly feel and find people who will truly understand. But there was always that thought of "Oh, you are just gunna get hurt, just like reality!" but I managed to push that thought aside and went along with it. I was going really well the first month of having it. Then I met people... The wrong people as you may call it. They toyed with my emotions. I didn't realize it until it was over. But I kept falling into their continuous traps. I soon began to develop feelings, true feelings. Bad Bad Bad!!! NO THIS CANT HAPPEN! IT SHOULDNT HAPPEN!! I shut down my heart like over a year ago and haven't had feelings since then. I don't know what to do because this person seemed to move onto another.. This other person, who was a friend of mine at the beginning, then seemed to completely ignore me and become totally infatuated and blind sighted and only was interested in this one person. I hurt... ALOT. Knowing that this one person used to have feelings about me, and it all changed in a split second. I don't know what to do anymore... I am a super sensitive person... Overly sensitive. That's why I shut down. I give up. I shall be alone forever!. I have no social life, don't think I will ever have one. I am too permanently broken. I give up. I'm Sorry.

The Internet Could Have Just Saved My Life

Hello everyone, I am SOOO sorry I haven't posted in a couple months. I have just been really busy with school and STILL trying to find a job. I am into my second quarter at the Art Institute, it is going okay still just as blah as last quarter.
So let's get to talking about why you are actually reading this.
SO, I am kind of out of the groove of blogging so don't critique too harshly. Thnx <3

Well the past few months I continued cutting. The longest in between cuts was 2 weeks. Then I relapsed for NO apparent reason... I have no self control obviously. I cut today to be honest. I have officially reached the 300 mark on cuts... It will be 3 years since my first self mutilation in December... Yay me -.-. But other than that I am doing good-ish. In September, I joined this online chatroom site called IMVU. I am pretty sure most of you know what it is. If you don't check it out and make an account and friend me, my name is ShawneeAbyss. I made a friend at the beginning named mia but she kind of abandoned me because her online boyfriend broke up with her. -.- ANYWAYS, I then met this girl named AnarchyofTheUnbroken. She is now my sister on there. love her to death. She is so down to earth, yet she has a big family so it is hard to get time to truly talk to her. Lastly I recently found this room called Suicide Sanctuary. BEST ROOM because the people there all know what you are going through. The creator/owner is TheMaskofShadows. Hes soo sweet. I know you will read this so HI <3 haha x). I also met a few other ppl like Meggadeath and DrHax2 they r some awesome dudes. Lately, like today, I truly met some amazing girls named lilmissnotperfect90 and jazzyjlovemeforever. They all know what I deal with so I am shouting out to all of yew because you guys make me life :D yet I don't appreciate the sex talks -.- So anytime I have a need to vent or get someone to lift my spirits I look to them. They keep me going because I know they need me as much as I need them (hopefully xD). Well that is my update on that. I will try and post more as much as I can.
<3 you all <3
Keep Strong My Lovelies!

Skinny Here I Come!

BTW THIS IS AN OLDER POST... idk why it posted it again tonight.... :/

So let's just say that today was a TERRIBLE day. I am not gunna deny anything or not include something because I am ashamed because this is my journal so I must be honest. I guess I should just come out with it because it is so difficult for me to say. I came one foot away from attempting suicide. No joke. I just felt like shit and my house is full of mirrors and every time I walked by one I just could see all the fat and ugliness on my body. It also doesn't help that I have college orientation tomorrow and I wanna look attractive and I know I cannot be. It hurts. ALOT. I tried on a couple outfits and I felt DISGUSTING in every single one. I still haven't picked out an outfit. Also, I had a panic attack while trying to organize my room because I just moved all my things into this tiny room. I guess I just got worked up and started to freak out. Hyperventilation. Shaking. Crying. Everything. Luckily, it did not last very long after I got a glass of water. But then 5 minutes later, it came back with a vengeance. I was in my mother's bathroom closest looking for something. I don't know what though, I was kind of drawn there by my self conscience. When I opened the door,I just burst into tears. Next thing I know I am rummaging through all her medicine/vitamin bottles. I found many things but like they wouldn't do much damage, like "acid reducers" and crap like that. Then I found a pain relief bottle that read do not take more than 3 a day. I then knew that was the one. I crumpled to the floor just staring at the bottle. I shut the door behind me, even though I was home alone. I opened the bottle and just stared, really STARED, at the pills. There weren't many in there, maybe 10-15, but enough to do the trick, I think. I sat alone in that closet and just STARED for what felt like forever. My mind kept telling me, "Do it! You are worthless! No one wants you here. You are better off dead" and more damaging things. Yet my arms just couldn't move. I couldn't get myself to do it. A few minutes later, it ended. I got myself to my feet and put it back and walked out. I had many thoughts running through my brain, like "Tell Joshua that you almost offed yourself and that you want help" but there is always that voice that talks over my thoughts and says things like, "You don't want help, you just want attention. Plus, you love cutting yourself and do you really want to look like a crazy person." OMG! I cannot think right now, THAT FUCKNG VOICE JUST WON'T GO AWAY! ugh! anyways... -.- I cannot think.... Umm.. Oh! Well, because I like to think about how much I eat everyday, I decided to keep a food journal and write down all that I eat and its calories. It was going great till I added up the calories and I felt like a fucking failure. All I ate today was cool whip, cantaloupe, a monster, water, and tater tots and chicken fries with ketchup (because my mother was watching). It came out to 800 calories. O.o eww!! That is a lot of weight I am not losing! So then I saw this calorie counting website that helps you lose weight fast, so I joined. I put in all my info and put down the amount of exercise I did today and calculated the calories lost. Well with this website/app, you are supposed to eat the amount of calories burned to equal it out but I don't so I felt amazing seeing the negative 1,100 calories that still need to be eaten tonight- that I won't. :D I felt awesome and excited for it to be August because by then I am to have lost over 15lbs :D Yay!! Skinny here I come! Hmm.... So yeah.. I cannot think right now- stupid fucking voice! I really just want it to SHUT UP NOW.. ugh Go the fuck away! Yeah so nothing really new.... OH! (it haad to be brought up *sarcastically spoken*) So I am now keeping a tally mark chart for all the times I have ever cut. I am at 135 and rising- well that are either visible scars (right upper arm, left wrist, thigh) or from pictures (left wrist) because it is now covered by a tattoo and I haven't cut there in like 1.5 years so they are like almost completely faded/gone. yepp... OMGF!!! Why do I have to get 1 fucking GINORMOUS zit the day before I get my picture taken for my I.D?!?! EVERY TIME!!...Did you know that playing Wii burns calories? And cleaning my room for 2 hours? That was all the exercise I needed for my daily exercise! Yet for some fucking reason my crunches did not count as a calorie burner... :(( I did like 300... damn... But I'll keep doing them to get muscles haha. Ya so I am now jabbering on about nothing because my crazy fucking voice has left me for now... Good night Lovelies <3 Life Long and Live Strong!... and perfect tehe ;D

Midnight Symphony (Trigger Warning)

I sat on the side of the cold tub thinking... crying. "Why am I like this?", I thought to myself. I then reach for my red makeup bag. I unzip it and rummage through it searching for something in particular. I find it. My best friend. My only hope. My blade. She isn't as sharp as she once was. She grew closer to her end. She will soon be replaced by a fresh one. No more blood stains on this one- a clean slate. I pull up the leg of my shorts and take one more deep breathe followed by a deep sigh. I press it along my leg, but not drawing much blood. I run her over the same line again and again until I see a dark red line appear on my leg. I grab my already blood-stained towelettes and remove the blood. I then move my razor to start another line next to the last one, yet this one is not as long being a past scar is blocking the path. I trace the line over and over until the same red line appears and wipe it clean. I am now feeling compulsive to do more. I comply. I move to the inner part of my thigh. I press firmly down and gliding her in a line. Blood does not rise. Growing angry. I draw the line over and over until I wince when I slice to fast. Not very deep but enough to finally draw blood. I grab my towelette and trace the line gathering up the remaining blood. I then sit there knowing I cannot do more, but I have the NEED to continue. Just sitting there. Blade in one hand, nothing in the other. Just sitting there unable to move anything except my eyes. The only thing I feel is tingling in my fingertips. I only hear a deep ringing in my ears and a faint heartbeat that I wish would just stop forever. I am eventually able to get my body to respond again. I wipe off my blade and returning her to the cartridge I removed her from then place that and the towelette back into my makeup purse for safe and convenient keeping. I stand up and immediately am confronted with my biggest trigger- My Reflection. I feel as though she taunts me every morning, day and evening. Telling me that I am fat, ugly, worthless. There she was doing it again just to make me worse. "Helpme." That is all. I am unable to receive it but I know I want it. Deep deep down. I know that if I make it, I will have wished that I stopped sooner before I completely ruin my body- my horrific body. At some points I just wish that I could literally CUT off all my fat. Then maybe I will be desirable to people. Pretty enough. Skinny Enough. Funny enough. Good enough. That is all I ever want. To be GOOD ENOUGH.


-this is what happens.
-sorry I haven't posted in a long while. I have been busy doing school work and being a failure. I have been meaning to post but I just kept getting distracted. Sorry. Hope you are all doing well. Love ya <3

But I Was Told We Are Poor

The past few years, my family has been struggling with money with my stepfather only receiving unemployment. But the past months have been even harder, being my mother is going through a divorce. She has the mortgage and all the bills to pay all by herself, plus she now has lawyer bills to have to pay. So we are SUPER tight on money. I recently received quite a bit of money for graduation that I was going to use for when I finally get my room that is detached from the main building to paint it and get new furniture, but being I have to spend it on gas and the bills my mother cannot pay... But I just found out that the reason my mother was gone the last 10 hours was because she was buying a NEW CAR even though she already has truck! She can't even pay her own bills and she's buying a new car... I am like so mad I want to go up to her and beat the shit out of her because if I ask for gas money she says I have to get a job. Which I am trying! I have applied to like 5 places in the last week.... I just haven't received any answer... So I can't help it... Ugh I am just pissed !!! I want a new car and I honestly needed a new one more than she will for a long time!! I have a 1999 Honda Civic that is falling apart... She has like a 2006 Ford F250... SHE DOES NOT NEED A NEW CAR!!! I do... And I drive 45 minutes to school and I cannot risk breaking down because I live so far away.... UGH I HATE LIVING WITH MY MOTHER.... at least my father is somewhat realistic when it comes to large purchases... OMFG!! She is now trying to convince me and my sister that spending $12000 of money we don't have on a third car is necessary for us to have.. But it isn't working... Still so pissed! Woohoo.... and she brings up the job subject... When I go to explain to my grandfather where I have applied she interrupts saying I am not applying to places fast enough!! MG do NOT interrupt me when I am saying I am doing my hardest to get a job just to say I am NOT going fast enough!!! FUCK I WANT TO GO APESHIT ON HER ASS!

So living in this household causes me to want to cut like every FUCKING day... But I don't... I wish it was fall or winter because then I can start cutting my wrist again.... I miss it... A lot!... I love just looking at it and running my fingertips over the precise lines running across my wrist. I want the blood to be dripping down my arm. I do not want to have to have my pants down in order to cut myself. I loved the convenience of just lifting my bracelet or a sleeve and releasing SO MUCH tension and anger that I feel... Oh the anger! So frustrating when there is nothing I can do... I hate being told that my hardest is not up to expectations... I feel worthless, like a failure. I constantly wonder that if I died, maybe they would appreciate what I am able to do... If only I could actually kill myself and not fail at that too... I get close but then my body seems to fight everything I do.... EVERYTHING.

Yesterday, my mother's boyfriend's son Caleb was asking me a bunch of questions about me. He asked me if I had any friends and that really like hit me hard. I actually do not have any friends. I said that I had one, Annabelle... It made me wanna cry. A three year old snapped me back to reality. I have lost all my friends.. All because of stupid fucking high school drama.

I. AM.ALONE.

Beginning to Crave Anxiety

So I just found out that I am almost done with my College Algebra course. ;) That's right! I am a Math-Magician hahaha. Yeah...

Well lets just say that third week in and I still don't really have any friends :(. I have the people in my Skills class that I cook with everyday but that is it... I still spend 3 hours in between my class sitting alone in the student lounge. You know that quote that goes, "People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don't think that's true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world." Yeah that one... It is the most accurate thing I have ever heard in my life. For most of my life, I have been surrounded by "friends" but they never really made me feel like I TRULY belonged hanging out with them... The only people I felt TRULY involved with was in 8-9 th grade when I only hung out with my nerd friends because they actually cared and included me in everything. OMG. I am like dying of loud noise!! The people in here- Student Lounge- are like SUPER loud and annoying.. And I even have headphones in and music blaring and I can hear them over it...

So onto explaining the title of this post:
Every time I enter any place that has even the smallest amount of people- if it has people, I get super anxious. My anxiety kicks into hyper drive. Well today I walked into the Student Lounge to find it SUPER CROWDED and there was no empty tables so I had to sit with people... I almost turned around and ran back to my car to just hang out in there... But I sucked it up and sat down... Then 1 minute later the other person got up and left.. It's like people get repulsed by me or something. God my anxiety is like getting worse and worse with every situation. I feel like I wanna cry every time I see someone glancing my direction. I can feel the judging, the hate, the disgust. And this is the college I thought I wouldn't get that at.. I was as wrong as wrong gets. T-T The louder my thoughts get the louder I turn up my music and I keep worrying that my headphones are gunna blow... Then I will be stuck listening to my thoughts and that god damn voice getting stronger, louder, more persuasive and angry. Sempiternal is my heaven album right now.. It is addresses all the topics my depressing playlist does but this has anger involved which makes me feel like I am not alone-- That you can be depressed and still so angry-- If you feel the same way, you are not alone and I recommend listening to this album if you haven't already. OMG! So there are like certain comments that you don't know if they are a compliment or an insult. Like some random person walked up to me and then said" Oh, sorry thought you were someone else" and walks away, but returns. He then says "Now that I see your face full frontal, you look NOTHING like her" It's like is that an insult or a compliment.... Gosh... Luckily though, he wasn't attractive so I won't look to much into it but still.. Come on people! Don't say things like that after you walked away once... Gosh.. xP..

Hmmm well goodbye.. I have to go get really for Skills :/

I Can't Drown My Demons, They Know How to Swim

I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.

So some of you may be visiting me from my post on Tumblr. For those who have not seen that post, I'll resay it. Well these last couple hours I have been feeling like super depressed- like worse than normal. I graduated over 1 1/2 months ago. That was one of the last times I have seen my "friends". Since then I have talk to my BFF a couple times but she always takes FOREVER to respond and she is still in high school so she doesn't truly understand me completely. I talked to one of my other "so called" friends on Friday for like 15 minutes texting time. That it! I swear I thought I had friends... I was wrong... I was just used to make other people not look like a loner. What hurts the most is the guy that I thought of as my brother is even ignoring me... I told him EVERYTHING! My self harm, my disorders( which he got pissed at me for saying I over reacted). God I feel like shit! </3 total heartbroken. I posted on Facebook a picture and saying I am feeling uber depressed and that I hate showing it but I feel alone. That everyone has abandoned me... Then I expected acouple of my closer friends to like it or message me or something asking if I was okay or something because I REALLY need someone to talk to right now. But NO nothing. And I know people have seen it because like half of my friends list is active and they are posting things after so I know they saw it... I just feel like that dead bug on your back bummer- not noticed and not given a fuck about. What if I posted about my thoughts of suicide? Would they respond then? Or would they just let me do whatever... Then after I saw someone post about how if someone came to them about suicide they would just say "Bitch do it" and laugh.. God!!!!!!!!! Why am I alone!?! I guess my fear of abandonment has come true.. I am officially ALONE. On my own.... I even live with my mother and sister and they don't even notice my existence unless they want something from me... Tonight is a time for my vice... I have even considered starting up smoking again... I know I can't afford it but at least I will be killing myself faster and it will calm me down a little. So I have moved to a new city and new school and all my friends from my old school and city have erased me from their mind... Don't I feel good... What if I killed myself right now? What would they do? How would they feel? Oh and I just realized that I am friends with my cousins on facebook and they don't even care much.. FUCK! All I have is Tumblr (and my 11 followers) and Bring Me The Horizon.... Alone. Pathetic. Worthless. Forgotten. Emo. Attention Seeker. and ABANDONED FOREVER.
I keep seeing posts on Tumblr about "How are you gunna love someone else if you cannot even love yourself." It is so true on my behalf. I don't know if I can ever love someone. Especially because I have never felt love towards someone especially not myself. I seriously always envision myself dying in a car crash or 'tragic" accident and not caring one moment. If I am dead, no one must deal with me anymore and I won't feel this pain or the voice making me feel even worse.  We will see... </3

This is Sempiternal

Bring Me The Horizon is one of the most inspirational bands of all time. Especially after they released their best album, Sempiternal. If you haven't heard this album and you are going through a tough time, I recommend listening to this album it addresses a lot of situations. I am currently OBSESSED with the album.
Hospital for Souls: The monologue is about drug addiction. Second stanza: daily suicidal thoughts. Third stanza: connecting with the listener. People aren't speaking out about their depression because they feel scared and powerless. Fourth Stanza: We walk alone. Idle. No talking. Nameless faces. Lonelyness. Sadness. Fifth stanza: it is basically questioning religious beliefs. Sixth stanza: we are all one. Seventh Stanza: why explore the universe with all these problems and unanswered questions we have here on earth? Rest is self explanatory for the most part.

If you haven't noticed this post isn't really a entry to my journal because I just don't know what really to write being the last one was expressing ALL my feelings. So I have nothing.... The only non-normal thing that happened today was the fact that I walked the dark night trilogy marathon. Then I went to watch the Pirates of the Caribbean marathon and the disc was missing from the case. And I got really pissed and chucked it at the wall, but nothing all to exciting. So now I got stuck watching Beauty and the Beast. But it is still a good movie. Good music.

ALMOST TO 500 VIEWS :D I feel somewhat interesting.

Hospital for Souls- Bring Me The Horizon

And then I found out how hard it is to really change.

Even hell can get comfy once you've settled in.

I just wanted the numb inside me to leave.

No matter how fucked you get, there's always hell when you come back down.

The funny thing is all I ever wanted I already had.

There's glimpses of heaven in everything.

In the friends that I have, the music I make, the love that I feel.

I just had to start again.

The days are a death wish

A witch hunt for an exit

I am powerless...

The fragile, the broken

Sit in circles and stay unspoken

We are powerless...

Cause we all walk alone on an empty staircase

Silent halls and nameless faces

I am powerless...

Everybody wants to go to Heaven

But nobody wants to die

I can't fear death no longer

I've died a thousand times

Why explore the universe

When we don't know ourselves?

There's an emptiness inside our heads

That no one dares to dwell...

Throw me to the flames

Watch me burn!

Set my world ablaze

Watch me burn!

How are we on a scale of one to ten?

Could you tell me what you see?

Do you wanna talk about it?

How does that make you feel?

Hold me close, don't let go

Watch me

Hold me close, don't let go

Watch me

Hold me close, don't let go

Watch me

In this hospital for souls

[x3]

Hold me close, don't let go

Watch me burn...

Hold me close, don't let go

Watch me burn...

Hold me close, don't let go

Watch me burn...

In this hospital for souls

[x2]